Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm so excited I could just pee! As you have probably noticed, the NUMBERS are getting together at the home of #3GA/Bitchcakes. I am not sure I've been this excited since my voyage to the parade in Jackson, MS where I got kissed on the cheek by Gerald MacRaney. (More on that another day.)

All I can tell you is what the others have already said: stock up on beer and vodka, because we'll be having the rest of it, that's what. [Sidenote: I will NOT be drinking margaritas this time, because I think we all know just how painful my hangover was last time. As #3SC/TX said, I was S.T.Rugglin'. Thank God #4's Big Gay Husband fed me greasy breakfast foods.] You'll also want to stock up on cheesy and fried things, because we'll be having the rest of those, too.

Also, be very, very jealous, because there will be dancing in the den, making out, and picture-taking. (Allie and I have been threatening to take a picture of us kissing to frame for our respective living rooms for about two years now.) We're gonna laugh so hard we almost throw up, then we're gonna laugh some more. Then we're gonna cry (because that's what we do.) And, you know what? We're going to just be under the influence of one another for a few days.

Seriously, I'm probably going to break into tears at the sight of my Allison who has truly been the voice of humor, acceptance, encouragement, and quasi-reason (because who wants the serious kind of reason) over the last year of my life. I truly, truly do not envy the rest of the citizens of Atlanta, because the high-pitched squeals of delight are going to set the dogs to howling, don't you know!

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As Requested: Understanding Women, 101

Actually, our dear #4 M'Ary* did weigh in on understanding women earlier, but I'll use 101 as a course number for now.

Understanding Women, 101 - Lesson One

Our dear friend Mr. Savant gave us some pointers on understanding the male of the species and his ability, desire, and flat-out need to flatulate. (Personally, that word cracks me straight up.) You're gonna need to read about that here before you proceed. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now then, while I certainly do not mind a good fart discussion -- hell, I'm currently experiencing my second adolescence, which means that sometimes I'm a 14 year old boy who finds them hysterically funny -- I do wish to highlight the difference regarding farting, and, er, compliments. While I'm hardly offended by ye olde farts, I admit to being a touch irritated regarding the need for using them as a mating call. Please trust me when I tell you that I'm NOT disputing its natural part of food digestion. I mean, who am I to argue with universal design? I'm simply saying that a huge part of the understanding of women is found in this phrase: PERCEPTION IS REALITY.

Principally, for this discussion, if the woman next to you does not perceive the flatulence to be a compliment, it simply isn't one. Does this make sense? I am most definitely not doubting that it is intended as a compliment of sorts. In fact, I understand the intent; however, this is approximately the only area known to humans where we actually get MORE of you, rather than LESS of you once we make some type of permanent bond with you.

Allow me to elaborate, from highly personal experience.

When we're dating:

• You're charming and chatty.
• You'd never think of passing gas in front of us, because it isn't polite. (We think you're smashingly polite, as a result.)
• You worry about how you look and how you smell before you come to see us.
• You make plans for us to do things when we're together.
• You call the restaurant and the comedy club for reservations.
• You bring flowers or other small items to us to demonstrate that you were thinking of us while we were not in one another's presence. (Even if you didn't know that's what you were doing, that's what it is, because that's how we perceive it. NB: It's not about the flowers!)

Now, once we dwell in the same household:

• You really don't chat as much. This is an indication of intimacy for men, and an indication of disinterest for women. (Look it up, any random Venus and Mars book will tell you it's true.)
• You fart around us and think it's funny that you're impolite. Perception/reality, remember.
• When you come home from work, you sometimes leave your icky work uniform on, and then sit on the clean furniture. You certainly don't shower or apply cologne, 'cause "We're not going anywhere, are we?"
• You don't have any idea how to make dinner reservations, though, the phone seems to be working.
• You no longer bring flowers. NB: But, it's still not about the flowers!

So, allow me to explain something else. Not so bitterly, now. The lists above are just little reminders of what we (and by "we" I mean "I") got less of once I married Grimace. However, I'm still willing to -- someday -- consider a permanent bond with an adult male human. Please understand: well-adjusted women know that men and women demonstrate intimacy differently. Therefore, we don't need to declare "You pig!" when you pass gas if, and only if, we are both making an effort to demonstrate intimacy in the other's style. Here, Moose and Squirrel, I give you the examples.

1. Men do not usually need much of a warm-up for the sex. Women usually do. We don't mind that you don't, just REMEMBER that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
2. Men don't need to relate crap from their work day, usually. Women usually do. Just remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
3. Women don't think farts are hilarious. (Well, except for sometimes.) And men usually do. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
4. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
5. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. YOU need to remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.

I think you get my point, here. And that is, if you want to understand women, understand that a compliment is only a compliment if we perceive it as one. Oh, and that we're just different. And that's okay.

Eh, not as funny as I'd hoped, but informative, nonetheless.

How many kinds of wrong is this?

With thanks to The Incurable Savant and to my chick Inky, turns out...

Your Porn Star Name is: Ima Cumming

Get your own Porn Star Name

My Puppygirls

Here are the sweet girls who live with Grimace. Opal does look possessed, but she's not. Well, not anymore, anyway. Ruby is the good girl on the right. Puppydoodles!

Rounding Up the Dickheads

When you start asking people if they are high, and you actually *mean it*, it's time to cut off communication with those people. Following, please find a mildly entertaining story regarding another dork I met online. (For those of you playing along at home, please do NOT add this one to the flowchart, as he's not worth the effort even to format it properly.)

I met this particular dork on the previously mentioned website, and we exchanged emails for a couple of weeks. He seemed nice, not in Indianapolis (which is good for now), and like an educated, well-employed adult. So, then we chat online for a couple of days -- also pleasant -- and decide to exchange phone numbers. We agree on a time to call, and he does, on time. [Sidebar: For the record, we love a guy who does what he says when he says he will do it.]

The phone rings, "Hello, Stacey. This is Dickhead. (I edited his name.)" So we exchange pleasantries for a few minutes, and then, I really can't relate any of the rest of the conversation here, because, FOR ALLISON'S SAKE, PEOPLE, he called me and wanted to talk about his penis. Whaaaa??? Before I elaborate on how much this irritated me, I'd like to point out that I'm not opposed to any of the following:

• Him having a penis.
• Him talking about his penis (to someone other than me.)
• Him touching hisveryownpersonal penis.
• Me talking to someone about his penis, provided I'm, say, in an intimate relationship with him. (DUH!)

So, you can clearly see that I'm not a prude. The word "penis" doesn't even make me blush. I'm perfectly comfortable with the clinical terms for all body parts, and most of the slang terms, too.

My point here, though, is this is what I AM opposed to:

• Chatting with a seemingly reasonable person for a couple of weeks who suddenly thinks I'm a phone sex line.
• I gave him absolutely no indication that I wanted to do any of that, and he just started in with it. (I'm approximately as subtle as fireworks, he'd have known if I were a phone sex line.)
• He called back when I hung up.

Again, I say unto you, "Whaaaaa?"

So, I tell him that I'd prefer not to talk about that, and goodbye. Which, silly me, I think warrants no more conversation. Like, ever.

Alas, I hear from him REPEATEDLY over the next few days and weeks. Emails and IMs, all very nicey-nice, I'm sorry, blah blah blah. Please give me another chance and shit. Now, I should know there is a problem here, since, as Jill Conner Browne has written so eloquently, "They generally are not thinking about you unless you're hanging off the end of their dicks." And, for the most part, unless they are REALLY FREAKIN' INTO YOU, that is just true. (Sidebar: If you are male, brilliant, and able to remember a woman who is not engaged said dangling activity, please contact me ASAP.)

Can anyone explain to me why I allowed him to have contact with me again? Weak moment, maybe? Poor past choices leaking into my present, possibly? Hormonal imbalance of some kind? Seratonin levels down? I don't know the answer, I only know that I allowed it. Chatted online with him today for a moment and motherfucker tried to talk about his penis again!

What have we learned, here, people? Allow me to sum up:

1. "I'm sorry" from a horny male means roughly, if not entirely, nothing.
2. Stupid decisions were made. By me.
3. I ADORE the "ignore" button on Yahoo! messenger.
4. I can learn from this experience.
5. Gentlemen of the species: You may want to round up and kill the dickheads among you, they're making it extraordinarily difficult for the rest of you to get even peripheral consideration.

Because I haven't said "me, me, me" enough lately...

3 names you go by:
a) Stacey
b) #4 or #5, depending on if Dande and I can keep it straight.
c) Aunt Tasty

3 screen names you have:
a) staceycordle
b) queenpomegranate (i think, it's been a while!)
c) (n/a)

3 things you like about yourself:
a) I'm a great friend.
b) I like myself on the whole.
c) I am not afraid to work really hard.

3 things you dislike about yourself:
a) Terrible procrastinator.
b) Poorly developed self-discipline.
c) Can be overly dramatic (not the fun kind, the worrying kind.)

3 parts of your heritage:
a) Portuguese!
b) Swedish
c) Polish

3 things that scare you:
a) Bitterness
b) Liberal news calling itself unbiased
c) Fox news calling itself unbiased

Your everyday essentials:
a) Lotion/lip balm/moisturizer
b) music
c) bread

3 things you're wearing right now:
a) Three crowns (ring/pendant/charm... oh, and tattoo!)
b) Pink panties
c) Black chunky shoes

3 of your favorite bands/artists:
a) indigo girls
b) Jason Mraz
c) Bonnie Raitt

3 of your favorite songs at present:
a) Unfold - Jason Mraz
b) Sleeping to Dream - Jason Mraz
c) Walk Like an Egyptian - the Bangles (just kidding.)

3 new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
a) To find a choir to sing with.
b) To get published.
c) Find a new church home.

3 things you want in a relationship (love is a given) :
a) Daily laughter.
b) Extraordinary willingness to experience emotions.
c) Goals.

2 truths and a lie (in no particular order):
a) I'm still considering the ministry as a career path.
b) I'm brilliant.
c) I am an only child.

3 physical things about a love interest that appeal:
a) Baldness.
b) Clean strong hands.
c) Presence.

3 things you just can't do:
a) Accept a world without idealism.
b) Marry an atheist.
c) Not giggle everyday.

3 of your favorite hobbies:
a) Talking.
b) Traveling.
c) Reading.

3 things you want to do really badly right now:
a) Be more zen.
b) Not be allergic to dogs.
c) Run Grimace over with a snowplow.

3 careers you're considering:
a) Speech writer.
b) Therapist.
c) Queen.

3 places you want to go on vacation:
a) Italy.
b) Portugal.
c) Brazil.

3 kids names:
a) Charlene.
b) Georgette.
c) John-David.

3 things you want to do before you die:
a) Work in the White House.
b) Live in another country.
c) Write the Great American Book.

3 people who now have to take this quiz:
a) All o' y'all!

I know it's been done, but this makes me laugh!

See my little profile thing over there to your right? This is it's Snoop Dog counterpart (I'll post the link when I find it again):

I'm awake n' shit. That's how I live. I believe wholly in da "Wow Factor" of every day. (And frequent doses of fabulous new ethnic foods.") I'm not Pollyanna, but, really, if yo' ass aren't fairly grateful fo' having woken up on da right siiiiide of da dirt this morning, wass yo' damn problem? 'Member in da book The Color Purple when Shug says, "I think that shiznit pisses Dogg off when yo' ass walk by da color purple in a field 'n don't notice that shiznit"? That's da bus I'm on n' shit. Noticing purple is important." Also, I ROCK as a cuz n' shit.

Boys are so entertaining!

So, I joined an online dating site, mostly for grins, as I'm not really ready to have even a semi-permanent boyfriend. Honestly, I guess I just wanted to see who might be interested in a fabu babe such as myself.

I signed up for a site that serves larger women, (since I are one) and dudes who are more attracted to women who are larger. [FYI: That vernacular is BBW or Big Beautiful Woman, most of the time. In my case, emphasis on the second B. Once again, to review, I'm not modest.] Anyway, it's kinda like match.com for the extraordinarily voluptuous.

So, imagine my utter amusement when I had the following exchange with one of the men who belongs to the site. He had a fun ad, with a picture (which I found attractive) to which I replied, "Hi, hope you're having a great day. Let me know if you'd like to exchange email sometime."

Here is what I received in return:

Hi,I actually used to live in Indianapolis for 4 1/2 yrs. from Aug. of 91 to Dec. of 95. Where I live now is 2 hours away. I liked your first message you sent me. You have a pretty face but I would like to see the rest of you. I do like bigger girls (or I wouldnt be a member of this site) but only to an extent. So if you have some other picts that show more of you feel free to send them to my email at bigdork@cs.com (I edited his email address.)

My favorite part is "only to an extent"! BWAHAHAH!

Who wants to guess what my reply was? Guesses? Anyone?

OK, I'll tell you.

"Dear BigDork,

I'm positive I'm beyond your extent: mentally.

Have a nice day,
Stacey"

I love mydamnself.

More Crap About Me

I've been hounded by the masses to update this blog, and because I'm feeling lazy, I'm going to publish this, an already-written email. A new grown-up boy and I have been emailing back and forth a bit, and he is good at giving the information, and I returned this, in kind. I added a few at the end of my own.

Color: Red. Or black. I like all kinds of colors, but I like to wear red and black or other bright colors. I tend to have a lot of office goodies that are pink and purple and way, way too girly for a woman who is 35 years old. But it's my office, and that's what makes me smile.

Books: There are SO many I love. Here are some in no particular order. The Prince of Tides, by Pat Conroy (totally different from the movie.) Set This House in Order, by Matt Ruff. East of Eden, Steinbeck. The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, Jill Conner Browne.

Author: Pat Conroy, Martha Beck, Jill Conner Browne, Mary N., Allison F., and me. OH, and eleven-teen others that I'll think of the minute I send this email.

Wine that I can afford consistently: Blackstone Merlot and this Riesling that my father made. Damn fine stuff.

Wine that I can afford occasionally: Moet et Chandon White Star -- I love champagne!

Wine that I would drink all the time if cost was no issue: I think I'd probably stick with vodka or fine tequilas.

Artist: Gustav Klimt.

Art that I want: If I were more discriminating, I might want more art. I have a print of my favorite (The Kiss, Klimt), and am fairly, but not entirely, content to look at paintings elsewhere. By discriminating, I mean just that. I tend to love art because someone expressed him or herself, not because the art pleases me personally or because it's actually brilliant. On the other hand, I adore vintage prints of wine and cocktails. I also was unfamiliar with Ramon Lomabarte, so I looked him up. WOW WOW WOW! WOW! I'd love to see his work in person!!! The melting clock is one of my favorite images, too. One more thing about art, I think of my entire living space as something to be adorned or modified, so all of it is pretty interesting to look at.

Musical that I thought I'd hate but actually loved: Hmmmm, I haven't been to a musical in FOREVER!

Musical that I thought I'd love but actually hated: Cats.

Favorite opera: Don't have one yet.

Best concert I've been to: Harry Connick, Jr. His show is the reason you go to concerts; you can't get any of that on a CD.

Best concert I've been to but don't remember because of a drug induced haze: This category cracks me UP! Funny!! I remember all of the John Mellencamp concert, but did have a nice contact high.

Food: Comfort foods are up there: homemade macaroni and cheese, my meatloaf, goofy things like that. I do love some breakfast foods!! Mmmmmmmbacon. I adore garlic-laden things, so all Italian foods.

Drink: Vodka. So far, Grey Goose is still my favorite. Though, there is this one that's got mandarin orange essence that is to die for. I'll have to ask my brother what it is.

Season: Summer

Day of Week: Saturday -- all mine!

Holiday: Thanksgiving -- family and lots of lazy time.

Body part on a man: Smile, eyes, triceps muscle. Hell, I don't know. I'm a sucker for a great smile, though! OH, lips! I love lips.

Second body part: Hands. Skin.

Movies: Classic - Casablanca. War - Platoon. 80's - Breakfast Club (not terribly original, sure.) Tarantino - Uneducated in Mr. QT's films. I tried to watch Reservoir Dogs once and it didn't work for me; however, that was quite a while ago, and I'm ready to try again -- that one is David's favorite.

Vacation spot: I adore cruises, so I have to say "on a ship." However, my favorite stops have been Curacao and Aruba. Land-based location: Portugal or anywhere in Latin America. (Excluding Honduras, which kind of sucked.)

Favorite non-alcoholic beverage: Coffee. I freely admit my addiction.

What I like to spend money on: Food, wine, and travel. Oh, and I LOVE buying presents!!!!!!!!

One thing I think is desperately wrong: Extreme Makeover.

One thing I think is really cool: Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

One thing I could totally live without: TV.

One thing I really don't think I could live without: Music.

The most fortuitous thing about my life: My friends.

Happy New Year! (2004 In Review - Stolen from Inky)

Most Fun Moments in 2004:

1. Liberating myself from Mooresville.
2. Getting my tattoo with Tami and Shannon and Pears!
3. Hot Moroccan Boy.
4. Mountain Road Trip.
5. Flashing in Nashvegas.
   

Best New Friends You Made in 2004:

1. Allie -- loved her before, but she became "best" this year
2. Christel -- same deal
3. Lola -- same deal
4. Shannon Rose -- myveryown Brenda
5. Dr. Mary Sims
6. Terri my new soul sister!

People You Are Most Thankful For in 2004:

1. Allie
2. Wandaful
3. Teena Weena
4. Terri
5. Matthew

Most Emotionally Straining Moments in 2004:

1. Actually telling Grimace I was going to divorce him.
2. Trying to pack all my stuff up while Grimace was there.
3. Trying to be superwoman while secretly hoping for youthful death.
4. Helping a close friend pack and move a 5000 SF house... without her husband (long, and truly awful story.)
5. Dealing with my divorce and my friend's disaster at the same time.

Biggest Changes in 2004:

1. Forgiving myself for making a huge mistake.
2. Getting out of the mistake.
3. Finally living downtown!!!
4. Admitting I had a less than stellar year at work.
5. Actually really and truly loving myself and admitting my true self to God, even though He's known about me since before time.

MY Best Songs of 2004:

1. Sleeping to Dream, Jason Mraz
2. Unfold, Jason Mraz
3. Live versions of about 10 John Mayer things
4. Home, Marc Broussard
5. Dirty Man, Joss Stone

Best Things I Have Discovered:

1. I'd rather be me than anyone else.
2. When you least expect it, angels disguised as people will appear in your life.
3. Sometimes, you get people back!
4. Laughing every single day. Really hard. Until you snort.
5. That I can do better. And I can do more.

Best Purchases:

1. A $110 application for divorce.
2. Anything hair-and-makeup related. (I'm really that shallow! HAHA!)
3. Gas money for road trips.
4. Part of my tattoo -- the rest was a gift!
5. Peace of mind.
   

Things to change in 2005:

1. My financial house.
2. Improve my overall health.
3. Let go of more baggage.
4. Dare to make a 3 and 5 year goal.
5. Start working on the goals.

Best Movies From This Year:

1. Polar Express
2. That's all -- what else have I seen?

Best CD's From This Year:

1. Live at Java Joes', Jason Mraz
2. Carencro, Marc Boussard
3. Soul Sessions, Joss Stone
4. Genius Loves Company, Ray Charles, et. al.

Things I Want to Do:

1. More road trips!
2. And then a couple more.
3. Get my navel pierced. YES, I know! Shut up.
4. Dance.
5. Sing.

Dreams I Want to Turn into Reality:

1. Sing in a bar. (Not karaoke.)
2. Dance on a bar. (Just kidding! Really!)
3. Write and publish my food column. "Bread, Butter, Cheese: The Things That Made My Ass What it is Today"
4. Start the body-product-humor business with Allie.
5. Figure out how to do the t-shirt business with Allie, Lola, and Terri.

Concerts That I Want to See:

1. Jeff Steele!!!
2. Jason Mraz
3. John Mayer
4. Indigo Girls
5. Bonnie Raitt
6. Jeff Steele!!!