Monday, November 22

A Question of Hygiene

So, Sunday was a lovely day of napping, phone calls, nail painting, and most importantly, lunch with the Fig (my brother.) The Fig is a fantastically hilarious chap with about 40,000 restaurant connections in Indianapolis, thus making lunch both tasty, and gratis. There's just about nothing the divorced, overly-indebted woman likes more than FREE stuff. Especially when it involves chicken nachos and beer. As Allie says, "I support any food ending in 'and beer'." (She's brilliant, no? Yes.)

So, we're sitting at the bar in Houlihan's right downtown, and enjoying some libations and a ginormous plate of chicken nachos, when I happen to glance over to my right. Behold, to my utter delight, I find an elderly man combing is afro straight up into the air. The afro and the man were pretty grizzled, and the straight-up combing produced a rather Don King-like configuration. I'm not sure what look he was going for, but whatever it was, he missed. (Unless, by my own admission, he was going for The Don King.) The man seemed pretty harmless, and really quite friendly, as he said hello to both me and to the Fig. He also offered a cigarette to the Fig, which I thought particularly neighborly. The Fig, who really was destined to be either a used car salesman or a foreign diplomat (which are actually the same job with different objectives) thanked him kindly and assured him that he had his own cigarettes. Anyway, I've digressed already, and it's only paragraph two.

The only thing that turned me off about the straight-up hair combing was the fact that it took place right at the bar. There are restrooms for that sort of activity. With mirrors and stuff. And no food or beverages anywhere in sight.

Anyway, this brings me to my hygiene thing. Men: I'm probably going to sound like an episode of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, here, but these important points bear repeating.

  • As you may have guessed, combing one's hair is not done in public. No, it isn't.
  • Nose hairs: there is no excuse for nose hair. Ever.
  • There is, equally, no excuse for dirty fingernails. Ever.
  • Addendum to the nails thing: they should also be trimmed very short, but if they're real clean, a bit of nail is totally acceptable.
  • Hand lotion, which I'm sure you're familiar with, also has other uses. Please use it on your hands and elbows. (We don't want your sandpaper mitts near us, let alone on us.)
  • Hand lotion should be applied to your hands after washing them.
  • Wash them frequently.
  • Ear hair. What's up with ear hair? One or two ear hairs doesn't scare the average woman, but if you've got a shrub growing out of there, please break out the weedwhacker.
  • Finally, your clothes should fit YOU. You're the one wearing them, they should fit your veryownass. Not the ass of your tee-tiny past, or the ass of your linebacker brother.

Oh, yes, I know there are many others. And, and, and I didn't even mention things that I assume (stupidly) go without saying, i.e., daily showering, occasional cologne application, tooth brushing. I know this is a stupid assumption, because even Ver. 1.0, (after he had done so for our entire courtship) had no idea (once we were married) that people were supposed to brush their teeth every day -- preferrably two to three times per day. Ah, good times. Good times.

I haven't personally had any of these problems occur with any males in my regional proximity except for the Don King fellow at Houlihan's. But, apparently I needed to bitch today.

So, any male-type people are now safe to be near me, 'cause the bitch-valve has been released. Thank you, and good night.


Smashlee said...

Please come and explain to my husband about the daily brushing of the teeth and that it surely won't, even though he swears it will, kill him if he tries it even *gasp* twice a day. He does OK with the rest, but his DeathBreath is as bad as his ass sometimes.

Paul said...

and I didn't even mention things that I assume (stupidly) go without sayingExactly. Nothing is too obvious when you're a guy. Trust me, we're pretty dense.

Allie#3ga said...

1. i love the shout out - and i do stand by that statement.
2. i love the fig ... but i adore you even more ... and we know how much i love the fig - so IMAGINE!
3. let's take a moment to talk about shoe polish. They make it for a reason fellas
4. if you're going bald - you know - we know - everyone knows - and it's generally not a bad thing at all - what IS a bad thing. one word - COMBOVER
5. be EASY with the cologne
6. and the care that goes to the nails on the hands .... equally as important with the feet boys ...

i bet the fig has great hands :)

devilboss said...

Our Pommy is such the smart woman. Now I would like to add my own personal favorite.

Socks. They should match and be changed every day. I do not want to touch your worn three day socks and I certainly don't want to get them out of a ball and put them in the washing machine.

pears said...

I couldn't love you more if I tried. I feel the need to add my own 36 cents....

toenails got 'em....trim those suckers. (helpful hint - trim them straight across and you won't have the dreaded 'pus toe' which is also known as the nail of the ingrown variety.)

Wendy said...

Shrubbery emitting from the ears is most def not allowed at any time. Thank you for explaining that to all man kind. You are a saint to be sure. Smooches!

Champagnelady59 said...

LOVE IT. especially the showering thing. and what's with the men lately practially BATHING in their cologne!!! A little goes a long way.

May I add my pet peeves.....

1) do NOT blow your nose at the table. (then even worse LOOK at what you've just blown out of your nose)

2) Make sure your shirt fits over your tummy, those of you with dunlaps disease really need not to have the bare midriff look.....

3) pick at your fingernails or sides of fingers

4) Do you know where your napkin goes????? and what it's used for?

I'm done....back to regularly scheduled programming

Anonymous said...

And hands off the groin area...unless you are in the restroom where we can't see you. Then wash your hands. Twice.

amy said...

Holy shit. Thanks for the laughter. I could not agree with you more on everything you wrote. What is worse is the unisex bathrooms and finding a male pubic hair on the toilet seat... eeeeekkkkkk..... I love your humor.

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