Wednesday, September 29

The Appropriate Responses

Since our guy Pete brought forth his deep wisdom and knowledge yesterday regarding the things men say and what they mean when they say them, [] I thought it only prudent that we should examine the proper responses to these phrases when they arise, as they are wont to do. And here they are.

1. "Of course I'll still respect you."

I can tell you now that if you’ve asked a question that garners a reply such as this, you don’t respect yourself, and you deserve this shallow response. You have to get comfortable with the fact that you’re having recreational sex or you have to NOT DO IT. Don’t ask idiotic questions. You don’t have to.

2. "I love you."

If you’re in love, and he rocks hard-core, there is a small (read: infinitesimal) chance this is actually true. (I have heard of this happening in nature.) However, it’s very likely not true, and the only appropriate response to this statement is, “Shut up you lying sack. You just want to have sex with me.” Now, if you want to have sex with this maroon, this is your moment – you’re not going to be shot down. And if not, this is your cue to listen to the voice in your head saying, “Next!”

3. "Baby, can you bring me a beer?"

If you don’t know the answer to this question is, “My name isn’t ‘Baby’” I simply cannot help you.

4. "I don't want to talk right now."

The correct response to this little gem is “You’re not talking, you’re listening, Bucko.”

5. "I'll be home in a while."

Wait, wait, wait! You called to see when he was going to be home? Ohmydamn, woman, why are you at home? Why are you waiting? GO OUT, HAVE FUN, GET A LIFE. He should be wondering when your sassy punkass is going to make it home. OK, OK, If you already DID make this stupid call, and you got the “I’ll be home in a while” response, now you happily say, “Okay, sexypants, have a great time! See you later!” This confuses them greatly. Or not, depending on their level of inebriation.

6. "Let's go out tonight."

The proper response here is, while tilting your head coquettishly, "I already have plans for tonight darlin’, but thank you ever so much for asking.” As you take your leave, you murmur things like “ Too bad for you buddy, I have plans tonight that include batteries the highly effective application of latex products."

7. "You look great!"

Lean in, whisper deeply, sweetly, huskily, with your soft lips aaaaaallllllllllmost touching his ear, “Thank you for noticing.”

8. "Let's stay in tonight."

Say you’re married, (try not to break out into hives as you do,) say, brightly, “Oh, good! What are you cooking?”

9. "Let's rent 'Hope Floats'."

“Two words: poop floats.”

10. "I don't think you should be friends with that guy... there's just something about him I don't like."

Here, you have two options. The first is to ask as many questions about this perceived vibe as possible, one after another, as to bring man who did the perceiving to his knees with utter anguish, wishing like hell he’d kept his yam shut. The second one is to not take the hint and dance the jig of glee when your divorce papers arrive and you realize you’re blissfully free and you’ll presently be releasing this Cro-Magnon back into nature!

Tuesday, September 28

Soulful Music

So there's a lot of Jason Mraz admiration going around among us right now, and I just have to say, it's SO justified. Ohmydamn, there is just about nothing better than a creative person with the ability to convey intensity of emotion using music. Makes me shiver involuntarily with lust for the odd-looking skinny guy. (Not that there's anything wrong with odd-looking or skinny. Just not my thing, the skinny.) The guitar, the voice, the vocal percussion, the instrumental percussion (yeah, we love Toca, too), and then more of the guitar. DAMN SAM. I'm listening to the live CD from Java Joe's in Cali, and it's truly amazing. (Um, you can see my ability to describe music needs some refining, but you got the message that I'm in awe right now, yeah?)

Hang with me, I think this all actually relates paragraph-to-paragraph.

Who among us can resist a passionate, creative type. Really. Music is just one avenue of conveying conciousness and connection. Admit it, we also love people who write words, draw pictures, take pictures, write music, sing, play a musical instrument, write code, make great jokes, create sculpture, roast coffee, cook delightful food: create things where they were not before. Especially create ways for humans to feel something in common or to communicate better... I'm beginning to ramble, but do you get my general swirl here?

There is nothing that lights me on fire better than a creative, conscious, alive person. Remember when you had a kiss that just blew you completely away? It didn't go any further than that, just a real soft, real slowwwww, tender, superb kiss. Maybe it had been a while since you kissed anyone, or anyone who knew how kiss, I don't know. But you know that slow-burn-skin-tingly feeling it produced over the next couple days? The electrically charged feeling you got from it? Yeah, that's how I feel about just being alive right now.

And part of that is because I have some awesome creative people around me. And those who aren't around me were kind enough to record CDs.

Sunday, September 26

101 Things About Me

  1. It's been 7 years since the hair on my head was its natural color.
  2. My alma mater is Purdue University.
  3. My degree is in professional writing.
  4. They actually let me write for a living.
  5. I live in downtown Indianapolis.
  6. I love living downtown -- I'm just not a suburban kinda chick.
  7. I like calling myself a chick.
  8. I belong to PEO, which is a sorority-type thing that gives money to women for higher education.
  9. I'm a Christian.
  10. And I know how to think.
  11. And I'm totally comfortable with the fact that faith looks NOTHING like sanity.
  12. I truly believe that life is stunningly beautiful. Even when it sucks.
  13. Music makes a huge difference in my life.
  14. My friends make a bigger difference.
  15. I can't believe that it's an accident that I met A, L, D, S, G, and H. Even though the liklihood of us meeting was so slim, it just doesn't feel accidental.
  16. I am not a mom.
  17. I am a mom.
  18. Just not to my own children.
  19. I want to adopt two little girls from China. Always have.
  20. I'm smart.
  21. I've made some shitty choices.
  22. I'm REAL smart.
  23. I can be real annoying about how smart I am.
  24. I LOVE to sing! It makes me giddy.
  25. I LOVE to write! It takes a lot out of me.
  26. I'm kinda tall.
  27. My brother is one of my favorite humans on this planet now or ever.
  28. My folks rock, too.
  29. There is nothing more wonderful than people.
  30. There is nothing more confusing than people.
  31. There is nothing more frustrating and irritating than people.
  32. Yes, those all go together.
  33. I want to live in a bigger city.
  34. I can speak enough of 4 languages to get you into trouble.
  35. I'm only really fluent in English.
  36. Classical Greek is the most difficult thing I've ever studied.
  37. Except for Russian, which I try to forget about. Daily.
  38. I've met some of my closest friends in the world because of a book.
  39. My soulmate is a man.
  40. Who is also gay.
  41. Which is both wonderful and heartbreaking.
  42. I've been married.
  43. Twice.
  44. And I'm not married now.
  45. I'm freakishly girly.
  46. Like painted nails, makeup wearing, hair do-ing girly.
  47. But I still love to go camping and fishing.
  48. One of my best memories is camping with my family in the Grand Tetons.
  49. I have some grand tetons, in case you were wondering.
  50. Anyway, my brother and I were lying on top of a picnic table watching a meteor shower and the Milky Way was so clear I thought we might be able to reach out and touch it.
  51. I was a Girl Scout for 12 years.
  52. I earned lots o' badges and stuff.
  53. I learned two important things in Girl Scouts: 1.) How to ride a horse, and 2.) How to make my best friend crazy. E-mail me, I'll tell you the story.
  54. People who don't read really get on my last nerve.
  55. A man who is hilarious and brilliant is far, far, FAR sexier than one who only has physical attractiveness.
  56. Not that we don't enjoy both, in their places.
  57. My verybestfriend and her hubby are expecting TWINS!!!
  58. They are already named: Jude and Silas.
  59. I get to be their auntie. I am already the auntie to their other children: Jacob (11), Chloe (8), and Seth (deceased), the cutest people who ever lived!
  60. The kids call me Aunt Tasty. It cracks me up every time they say it.
  61. My cube at work is decorated within and inch of its life.
  62. Colleagues stop by to look at my new pictures and sayings and crap all the time. Social to a fault.
  63. I'm genetically predisposed to optimism.
  64. I have a deep, deep sadness in my heart because I have recently discovered It seriously makes me sick.
  65. Seriously. I'm not kidding.
  66. I have an unnatural love for garlic bread.
  67. It may, in fact, be possible to purchase me with dark chocolate.
  68. My current favorite drink is the dirty martini.
  69. Or Kir Royale, if I'm feeling festive.
  70. Cheesecake is so good it should probably be illegal.
  71. Coffee is the same way.
  72. If I could swim in coffee and cream, I would do it.
  73. Love is not enough.
  74. Kissing is REAL good stuff.
  75. I'd really like a real good friend who also is male.
  76. One who understands how hard I rock.
  77. And one who might rub my head.
  78. I'm learning to let go faster.
  79. I'm learning to adjust quicker.
  80. I'm learning to balance my checkbook.
  81. I have a LOT of energy.
  82. One of my trademarks is that I always smell awesome.
  83. That could also be stated, "I'm a perfume whore." I love the stuff.
  84. I have expensive taste.
  85. But I don't buy a lot of expensive items.
  86. I'd rather travel.
  87. I ADORE travel and like it more than jewelry.
  88. And I love me some damn jewelry.
  89. I am Portuguese.
  90. I'm also like a gabillion other nationalities, but I look Portuguese.
  91. I'm brave.
  92. And sometimes scared.
  93. I adore politics.
  94. I detest politicians.
  95. Swimming is so fun I should move somewhere that it's warm all year.
  96. I love being tan, too, so that figures in nicely.
  97. I was a Navy brat.
  98. I was born in Maryland.
  99. I work very hard almost all the time.
  100. The rest of the time I'm a lazy ass.
  101. I'm done with this list!
  102. For now.

Tuesday, September 14

My New Food Column

So, lately I've been thinking that just because I have an actual Purdue degree in writing, that shouldn't keep me from actually enjoying it. Writing, I mean. Work will sometimes sap the fun right out of your passions, but only if you're not careful. In all honesty, I can't complain: they let me write for a living, and they pay me enough to live indoors, go on the occasional vacation, and buy cute shoes. Also, I am able to procure enough delicious food to ensure that I'm never a size 8. That being said, I'd rather take approximately three times as many vacations as I take now, go on a mini-road-trip every other weekend, and a girly-girl can never have enough pairs of shoes. Thus, I've decided to combine my two loves into one thing that will make my third love.

Food + Writing = Lots of Cash

Okay, okay, I don't really LOVE money. I just love what it can do for me, i.e., fly me to Zihuatanejo, Mexico with Allison, Lauren, Matt, and Dande, et. al. Anyway, I've decided to call my column:

Bread, Butter, Cheese: The Things That Made My Ass What it is Today.

Please start thinking of ways I can sell this column to the newspapers. Eventually, of course, it will need to be syndicated so that I can afford the luxurious life the abovementioned girls and I so richly deserve. When you have a brilliant idea for marketing this genius work, email me at First column appearing here soon.

Thank you.

Thursday, September 9

Horoscopes and Related Mystical Information

I read my in-depth horoscope today, sent to me by a woman I respect who puts some stock in these things, and it was FRIGHTENINGLY accurate. I don't mean, "You're going to fall in love" accurate, bullshit, whatever. I mean, "You're going to have a romantic interlude on or within two days of Sept 21." And I happen to know that is going to happen. Starting on the 19th. Just one example, and the one I'm excited about -- loving a good make-out session as I am wont do.

If you don't know, I've just released my former spouse back into the wild, you know, where he belongs, and am experiencing all the associated self-doubt, etc. that comes with divorce and major life change. Wait, this paragraph is actually related to the first one.

So, I keep expecting to read the following about Leo girls... me, in particular:

"Run away from Leo, she is thoroughly unable to maintain a long-term relationship. She'll get bored with your stupid ass, or you'll piss her off and she'll never, ever forgive you. She expects a LOT of you, and you're too damn lazy to give it to her. Go now, save yourselves the anguish."

Even when I'm a little forlorn, I'm hilarious! (And really modest.)

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