Friday, August 26

Today's Ready-Made Blog Entry

With apologies to my father, I bring you this report of a day in my entertaining life.

Normally, I wouldn't give my former spouse any more than a passing thought this far out from the throwing-out-of-myself, but this is just TOO GOOD to pass up. This morning, I received the following email, verbatim, from Grimace (who is engaged to be married):

"boy oh boy did i have a dream last night. If it was half as good for you as it was me. you would still be quaking in your panties. lol Your pretty good in the sack even when your not here. lol anyway just thought i would share, and possibly give you a chuckle. talk to you later. Muah Wayne"

First, OH MY GAWD! What in the ever-loving FUCK is he thinking???

Second, the following replies were offered by two of my favorite women. The first one listed is from Lola.

1) he needs to know that if you are starring in his dreams he now has to pay you royalties. you are no longer required by law to remain in his spank bank without proper compensation. tell him to tally up the cost of the dinner (mcdonald's does NOT count) and movie that would be appropriate predecessors to him getting laid that well and mail the check out today.

2) if he refuses to send the check remind him that you broke his teeny weenie once and you can do it again.

3) after the check clears tell him that he spelled "you're" wrong. twice.


loving you,

Do you LOVE this girl, or WHAT????

The second one is offered by my dear Allie.

Dear Grimace,

what a dream i had. i woke up screaming and still shaking some. i dreamed that i actually had to let that wee flaccid one-pumper near me again. but then i woke up - and looked a the stud beside me who gently began complimenting me and saying the most wonderful things and i realized -- i am the luckiest girl in all the world.

thanks for the reminder,

Can you STAND the creativity?!?!? I love these women!!!!

Then, there's HerrMatt. Whom we adore.

He said,

my first response was: YEAH, in YOUR DREAMS!
my second response was: awww, he is scared and does not how to communicate directly so he mentions this as a way to let you know he thinks about you.
my third response was: heaving into the toilet
my forth response was: how sad
my fifth response was: a happy, peaceful place with this unplanned but celebrated piece of knowledge

A.dore him.

My response to Matt went something as follows:

Most of my personalities went with "heave into the toilet", but the healthiest of my personalities went with "a happy, peaceful place with this unplanned but celebrated piece of knowledge".

WOOT!!! This whole thing reminds me of another story that can now be told! Stay tuned for more of the Grimace Files.


jennysue said...

That is just SO wrong in SO very many ways.

However you respond, please make sure that you copy his fiance. She is afterall his new soulmate and needs to know these things.

MajorMike said...

Tell Meatloaf, "To hell with the movie. I'll accept nothing less than a Broadway show and an all-expense paid day at Tiffany's."

By the way, he missed a bunch if capitals, too.


Im A Foto Nut said...

I am with jennysue! Also, What the hell is he emailing his ex-wife for? If I wouldn't have had children with my ex-wife we would have never spoken again, ON PURPOSE!

If it were me, I would block his purple ass from my email account.

Just sayin,


christ*el #3tx said...

ummm sorry i couldnt post sooner. i have had a terrible case of nausea since i read his letter to you.

i am much better now.

poor poor grimace. who is this woman he is trapping under himself for 3 miserably long minutes at a time? i mean has she MET him?

Smashlee said...

Ewwww. That's about all I can come up with.

christ*el #3tx said...

and another thing... you married a guy named WAYNE?

silly tasty.

Anonymous said...

Dear Grimace...

But mostly: You couldn't sleep long enough to dream that big!
Now get over your nasty self.

Love, whatever bwahahahaha

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