What he really means.

First, read Number3GA, the Friday, March 3 post. Then, come back and read this.

What he really meant is this:

Dearest Allison,

I wanted to say this to you in person on Sunday, but I guess the time is now since you have taken the initiative and I just didn’t step up soon enough. Also, because I didn't show up.

I admire you, Allie. You have been through some rough terrain over the last year or so, and even though you’re sad sometimes, you’ve retained your amazing sense of humor and sparkling personality.

My problem is that I don't know how to handle your strength; therefore, I have let you down. I see that you are still in a bit of a difficult spot and every time I try to talk about your situation, I say the wrong thing. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m trying to solve problems that are not my own, and therefore annoying the holy owlshit out of you. I am trying to lend you an ear or shoulder, and, because I’m a self-centered nutloaf, all I wind up doing is putting my foot in my mouth. (Additionally, I’m a really big guy with a disproportionate genital appendage.)

Since I am not supportive of you, how I can I in good conscience unload my issues on your lap? You are way too outspoken and knowledgeable about what you need for me to continue in this pattern I’ve been developing for years. It’s easy to unload my issues on my girlfriends when they're weak and needy, but that’s not you. I know you say you are there to listen, but I feel like a total heel, because, honestly, I SO am.

I am a bitter and jaded guy who is spinning his wheels. I fantasize that I am meant for more than the paltry life I’ve created for myself, but I can't seem to get to it. This is evidenced by the fact that I didn’t reach out and enthusiastically grab the most positive, brightest, most attractive woman I’ve met in years: you. You know that you deserve someone who is honest, brilliant, accomplished, growing, and loving. Obviously, you’re far too good for this sullen, tongue-tied, aspiring-yet-unfulfilled writer, who indulges his melancholy and his personal drama and who makes no attempt to grow. Besides that, I can’t show up when I say I will and I have absolutely NO idea how to use an ellipsis.

You know you’ll do the right thing for yourself and your life. I wish I could say the same thing for myself.

rob