Giving and Getting

We all have things that say to us, “I love you”. For most of my life, those things were stuff that my mother does on a regular basis, like, keep clean towels in the linen closet, fix dinner, and know where everyone is. When we go visit someone, it says “I love you” if they’ve made up the guest room (or guest couch) with clean sheets, laid out fresh towels, and planned ahead for at least the first dinner you’ll have with them.

When I was a kid and we went to visit mom’s parents’ for Christmas, there were always card games going, people dropping by, and food being prepared in abundance. Tablecloths were pressed, trees were decorated, and presents were wrapped. People rushed out the front door to hug you and say how glad they were that you’d turned up to visit. “Come in, sit down, what do you want to drink? Let me help you with your suitcase.”

Those things still say “I love you” to me, but I’ve learned to understand other languages, too.

When we went to my dad’s parents’ for Christmas, there were games of solitaire going. My grandmother didn’t look up super often from her crossword puzzles to visit. When you arrived after a harrowing trip through a sandstorm, the attitude was mostly, “Hi. You drove through a sandstorm, did you?” I don’t ever remember people coming around to visit or many company-esque dinners being prepared. (I’m illustrating here. Hang with me, they were also wonderful.)

If all your life people had indicated their love for you by preparing in advance and acting real enthusiastic and excited that you’d come to see them, you can see where not preparing in advance and acting neutral about your presence might feel like, “Huh, I don’t really love you that much.”

For my dad’s folks, they most certainly were not saying, “Huh, don’t really love you”. They were saying, “This is how we do things here.” They showed love in other ways, like building sterno-powered paddle-boats for the swimming pool, letting their excitable granddaughter throw a luau in the back yard, and writing letters when we were not nearby.

This is where it gets tricky.

If your first language is, say, English, and the native language of the person you love is, say, French, and he or she says to you, “Je t’aime” They actually ARE saying “I LOVE YOU.” They just aren’t saying it in your native language. So, this requires some emotional intelligence. Do you accept “je t’aime”? Or do you insist on “I love you”? Further, do you accept that the one who was home all day and did not prepare dinner while you were at work does not mean, “I don’t love you”? Do you accept other languages?

My solution, which I’ve only come to through time and destroyed marriage, is that (for me) both are acceptable, and needed. I have learned to recognize “I love you” in forms that are not my native language. Sure, the kitchen might not be clean (um, I didn’t clean it, either…), but there is conversation, and at least one intricate story to be told/listened to. There are thoughtful gifts, questions about my day, and speculations about a shared future. These are all “I love you”.

When I need to hear it in my native language, I ask for it. For this to work for me, I have to believe that asking for something I need doesn’t devalue it. Over-romanticizing things and pretending like my friends should KNOW my native language doesn’t result in receiving what I need. I believe these things wholeheartedly.

When I ask in plain language for something specific and easily provide-able, and then don’t get it, *that* can be an indication of anti-love. If I don’t ask and don’t get? That’s an indication that I didn’t ask.

For the New Year

One of my favorite quotes, from Marianne Williamson:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

Crack-Berry

Read up, people.

BlackBerry Orphans

Merry merry merry!

Check here for an update, soon! Promise!

Romantical

Wow. Who remembers this song? OK, someone who listened to country music in the early 90's. Sure. It's so, so, so Romantic. And romantic, too. Ew. The things we think when we're engaged and still LARVA! Also Wynonna Judd still rocks.

Billy was a small town loner
Who never did dream
Of ever leaving southern Arizona
Or ever hearing wedding bells ring
He never had a lot of luck with the ladies
But he sure had a lot of good working skills
Never cared about climbing any ladder
He knew the way in a small cafe, found the will

He met Miss Bonnie
And a little bit of her was a little too much
A few movies and a few months latter
The feeling got strong enough
They didn’t own a car
So it must have been love
That drove him uptown for a diamond
That’s when he started goin’?

(Chorus)

Over the line
Working overtime
To give her things just to hear her say she don’t deserve them
But he loves her and he just kept goin’ overboard
Over the limit to afford to give her things he knew she wanted
cause without her where would he be?
See, its not for him
She is his only need

Ring on her finger and one on the ladder
A new promotion every now and then
Bonnie worked until she couldn’t tie her apron
Then stayed at home and had the first of two children
And my, how the time did fly
The babies grew up and moved away
Left ‘em sitting on the front porch rocking
And Billy watching Bonnie’s hair turn gray

And every once in a while you could see him get up
And he’d head downtown
cause he heard about something she wanted
And it just had to be found
Didn’t matter how simple or how much
It was love
And, boy, ain’t that love just something
When its strong enough to keep a man goin’?

(Chorus)

Happy Dan Mann's Birthday

My VBF and I have not always called our friend Dan on his veryown birthday; however, we do call one another. We met Dan when he was our youth pastor about 100 years ago. We were 14, he was 28 (good.grief.) and we thought he was just about the funniest thing we had ever seen, like, ever. He's still damned hilarious.

This entry was just for me. And Beth.

Love ya!

Excellent point, Mr. Bono.

"The Left mocks the Right. The Right knows it's right. Two ugly traits. How far should we go to try to understand each other's point of view? Maybe the distance grace covered on the cross is a clue."

Bono, lead singer of U2

Possible reasons I may not be doing as well at work as we'd once hoped:

A.) Information revealed in the chart below.
B.) The fact that I created this during work hours.

overheardintheoffice.com

My own personal variety of the material found on Overheard:


[Driving down the highway. Passing a sign for Osceola, MO.]

Jenny: Oh, look, it's Osceola!

Stacey: Isn't that an animal?

Jenny [snorting]: No, that's an oscelot.

This "parenthood" thing is treacherous.

And we don't even have a child! We have a DOG, people. A little puppy. Who got the parvo virus. Who had to go to the doggie hospital for two days. Who thankfully recovered. Who then ate some wood. And some fringe. And started thowing up again. Who thankfully recovered. Who is at home sleeping in his little crate with his head on his stuffed animal friend Melvin.

My parents say this is why the Lord makes the babies and the puppies so adorable. Because we would send them back if they weren't.