Friday, January 21

Rounding Up the Dickheads

When you start asking people if they are high, and you actually *mean it*, it's time to cut off communication with those people. Following, please find a mildly entertaining story regarding another dork I met online. (For those of you playing along at home, please do NOT add this one to the flowchart, as he's not worth the effort even to format it properly.)

I met this particular dork on the previously mentioned website, and we exchanged emails for a couple of weeks. He seemed nice, not in Indianapolis (which is good for now), and like an educated, well-employed adult. So, then we chat online for a couple of days -- also pleasant -- and decide to exchange phone numbers. We agree on a time to call, and he does, on time. [Sidebar: For the record, we love a guy who does what he says when he says he will do it.]

The phone rings, "Hello, Stacey. This is Dickhead. (I edited his name.)" So we exchange pleasantries for a few minutes, and then, I really can't relate any of the rest of the conversation here, because, FOR ALLISON'S SAKE, PEOPLE, he called me and wanted to talk about his penis. Whaaaa??? Before I elaborate on how much this irritated me, I'd like to point out that I'm not opposed to any of the following:

  • Him having a penis.
  • Him talking about his penis (to someone other than me.)
  • Him touching hisveryownpersonal penis.
  • Me talking to someone about his penis, provided I'm, say, in an intimate relationship with him. (DUH!)

So, you can clearly see that I'm not a prude. The word "penis" doesn't even make me blush. I'm perfectly comfortable with the clinical terms for all body parts, and most of the slang terms, too.

My point here, though, is this is what I AM opposed to:

  • Chatting with a seemingly reasonable person for a couple of weeks who suddenly thinks I'm a phone sex line.
  • I gave him absolutely no indication that I wanted to do any of that, and he just started in with it. (I'm approximately as subtle as fireworks, he'd have known if I were a phone sex line.)
  • He called back when I hung up.

Again, I say unto you, "Whaaaaa?"

So, I tell him that I'd prefer not to talk about that, and goodbye. Which, silly me, I think warrants no more conversation. Like, ever.

Alas, I hear from him REPEATEDLY over the next few days and weeks. Emails and IMs, all very nicey-nice, I'm sorry, blah blah blah. Please give me another chance and shit. Now, I should know there is a problem here, since, as Jill Conner Browne has written so eloquently, "They generally are not thinking about you unless you're hanging off the end of their dicks." And, for the most part, unless they are REALLY FREAKIN' INTO YOU, that is just true. (Sidebar: If you are male, brilliant, and able to remember a woman who is not engaged said dangling activity, please contact me ASAP.)

Can anyone explain to me why I allowed him to have contact with me again? Weak moment, maybe? Poor past choices leaking into my present, possibly? Hormonal imbalance of some kind? Seratonin levels down? I don't know the answer, I only know that I allowed it. Chatted online with him today for a moment and motherfucker tried to talk about his penis again!

What have we learned, here, people? Allow me to sum up:

  1. "I'm sorry" from a horny male means roughly, if not entirely, nothing.
  2. Stupid decisions were made. By me.
  3. I ADORE the "ignore" button on Yahoo! messenger.
  4. I can learn from this experience.
  5. Gentlemen of the species: You may want to round up and kill the dickheads among you, they're making it extraordinarily difficult for the rest of you to get even peripheral consideration.


Allie#3ga said...

where to start. where to start. i myownself am today BLOWN away by the men type people. i feel a blog about this very thing working in my own head right now - the things i have to tell you ... unFUCKINGbelievable.

tinyhands said...

Geez! If we can't talk about our penis, what else IS there? On the bright side, at least he wanted you to talk ABOUT it, as opposed to talking TO it.

"Here, let me put it on the phone so you can say hello."

Im A Foto Nut said...

Dearest Tasty,

In reference to #5: This Gentleman doesn't have enough bullets. Frankly, I do not beleive there are enough bullets in the entire universe for that purpose.

There are many wonderful things about the internet. However, with those, come a multitude of bad things. RE: Dickheads and MotherFuckers. I hope you don't have to change your phone number.

-t, a.k.a. the incurable savant

Im A Foto Nut said...

Yet again, Dearest Tasty,

I just had another thought, and since they happen so infrequently, I knew I had to share it with you. Since I have been male all of my life, I have had occasion to be around other males without the benefit of females to keep them on their best behavior. I can think of several neanderthals whom I have had the pleasure (yeah right)of speaking with, who would head to a BBW website because they figure the women there are desperate, and that it greatly improves their chances with the ladies.

Of course you and I know that with slugs like this no self-respecting woman, BBW or otherwise, would want to be in the same hemisphere with them to begin with. But when you remember their brains are only large enough to opporate their smallest organ to begin with it is understandable that they would think this way.

It is just so aweful that you had to experience slime like that! I really like eHarmony. It wouldn't hurt to at least read up on it. My Mom works with a BBW that signed up and she gets so many dates she can't handle them all. Furthermore, they are high quality dates with people who are serious about it, and want to make the right choice.

-t a.k.a. incurable savant

amy said...

um thanks for the humor. i am laughing with you. i had my own crying nightmare last night after an angry *yet another one i allowed* from Brazy Bartender last night and he said i was his "friends with bennies". i sat and bawled for hours. and hours. and hours. then proceeded to tell me about his pocket pussy that he just bought at the porn shop. um. why me? just because we have BOBs this doesnt mean i have to hear about his purchases and what he wants me to do on a web cam that i do not even own because "i owe him a favor?" no no no no no no. i am a nice kind worthy woman who does not need another stupid fuckwit in my life. thank you for blogging and for speaking your mind. i love it.

Smashlee said...

Geez, you guys have done the impossible.
I think I'm happy to be married...

M'Ary* said...


You are so wonderful. I hate that dating is such a pain in the ass, but I do love the stories you bring home to us, if that makes it any better at all.

Tasty said...

Thank you, my darlings. I'm really more entertained by the stupidity-fest than horrified by it. You're bound to find the lowest common denominator occasionally -- and that's OK.

Inky, sister, you GOTTA get his number blocked from your phone. 'Cause you really are worthy!

Tasty said...

Couple more things: Mary, you're one of my verymostfavorites, too. And T, thanks for the info! I may sign up for eHarmony when I am ready for dating-which-might-lead-to-something-significant. For now, dating is all I'm interested in. Slime happens, sometimes, and I don't take it personally. Thank you for your encouragement!!

Anonymous said...

It's me, Pears....he would be a Mayor McCheese, I'm just sayin'....

christ*el #3tx said...

wanna see my boobs?

se7en said...

i think you were just having fun typing the word PENIS over and over......... LOL

weird, i would much prefer chatting about female type sex organs.......but thats just me!!

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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