Tuesday, February 1

As Requested: Understanding Women, 101

Actually, our dear #4 M'Ary* did weigh in on understanding women earlier, but I'll use 101 as a course number for now.

Understanding Women, 101 - Lesson One

Our dear friend Mr. Savant gave us some pointers on understanding the male of the species and his ability, desire, and flat-out need to flatulate. (Personally, that word cracks me straight up.) You're gonna need to read about that here before you proceed. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now then, while I certainly do not mind a good fart discussion -- hell, I'm currently experiencing my second adolescence, which means that sometimes I'm a 14 year old boy who finds them hysterically funny -- I do wish to highlight the difference regarding farting, and, er, compliments. While I'm hardly offended by ye olde farts, I admit to being a touch irritated regarding the need for using them as a mating call. Please trust me when I tell you that I'm NOT disputing its natural part of food digestion. I mean, who am I to argue with universal design? I'm simply saying that a huge part of the understanding of women is found in this phrase: PERCEPTION IS REALITY.

Principally, for this discussion, if the woman next to you does not perceive the flatulence to be a compliment, it simply isn't one. Does this make sense? I am most definitely not doubting that it is intended as a compliment of sorts. In fact, I understand the intent; however, this is approximately the only area known to humans where we actually get MORE of you, rather than LESS of you once we make some type of permanent bond with you.

Allow me to elaborate, from highly personal experience.

When we're dating:

  • You're charming and chatty.
  • You'd never think of passing gas in front of us, because it isn't polite. (We think you're smashingly polite, as a result.)
  • You worry about how you look and how you smell before you come to see us.
  • You make plans for us to do things when we're together.
  • You call the restaurant and the comedy club for reservations.
  • You bring flowers or other small items to us to demonstrate that you were thinking of us while we were not in one another's presence. (Even if you didn't know that's what you were doing, that's what it is, because that's how we perceive it. NB: It's not about the flowers!)

Now, once we dwell in the same household:

  • You really don't chat as much. This is an indication of intimacy for men, and an indication of disinterest for women. (Look it up, any random Venus and Mars book will tell you it's true.)
  • You fart around us and think it's funny that you're impolite. Perception/reality, remember.
  • When you come home from work, you sometimes leave your icky work uniform on, and then sit on the clean furniture. You certainly don't shower or apply cologne, 'cause "We're not going anywhere, are we?"
  • You don't have any idea how to make dinner reservations, though, the phone seems to be working.
  • You no longer bring flowers. NB: But, it's still not about the flowers!

So, allow me to explain something else. Not so bitterly, now. The lists above are just little reminders of what we (and by "we" I mean "I") got less of once I married Grimace. However, I'm still willing to -- someday -- consider a permanent bond with an adult male human. Please understand: well-adjusted women know that men and women demonstrate intimacy differently. Therefore, we don't need to declare "You pig!" when you pass gas if, and only if, we are both making an effort to demonstrate intimacy in the other's style. Here, Moose and Squirrel, I give you the examples.

  1. Men do not usually need much of a warm-up for the sex. Women usually do. We don't mind that you don't, just REMEMBER that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
  2. Men don't need to relate crap from their work day, usually. Women usually do. Just remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
  3. Women don't think farts are hilarious. (Well, except for sometimes.) And men usually do. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
  4. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
  5. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. YOU need to remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.

I think you get my point, here. And that is, if you want to understand women, understand that a compliment is only a compliment if we perceive it as one. Oh, and that we're just different. And that's okay.

Eh, not as funny as I'd hoped, but informative, nonetheless.


M'Ary* said...

You're brilliant, that's what. With your material and my material we could *SO* write the best book for men about understanding women that ever was. Why is it that we're not already doing that?

Allie#3ga said...

HEY. i gots material too, that's what.

Im A Foto Nut said...

Tastey, I am sooooooooooooooooo sorry! I ment that as humor. I just realized I forgot to relate this story. My Grandmother always said, "If you fart in front of a girl you're going to marry her." Meaning if you are that comfortable.... I HAVE NEVER EVER PURPOSEFULLY PASSED GAS AND THOUGHT IT WAS A COMPLIMENT.

Anyway, I agree 175% with everything you say. Furthermore, the underlying thread to all of this is "COMMUNICATION!" If I were in a relationship where my mate said, You know hunny, I really hate when you pass gas, laugh and wave it in my face making rude remarks. Then by all means I would stop right away. What women don't know is that the expected male repsonce, when one of our breed farts, is to make a big deal about it and call each other names. So when a women does that the man thinks it is all part of the game.

My post's point (vague as it was) was women don't realize they are sending the wrong message to a man by reacting they way they do. The other side of it is that there are many men who would continue to make the air green weather their beloved asked appropriately or not, because in general, men are ogres.

The one thing that struck me in your post was this,

"Women don't think farts are hilarious. (Well, except for sometimes.) And men usually do. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this."

OK, another mixed message/communication issue. How in the heck is a guy suppose to know which sometimes it is or isn't?

Example: One night (while newly married) my ex-wife and I where in bed about to do what most married couples do (thus nekkid) and the phone rang. While talking to her mother on the phone, standing nekkid next to the bed (and me) ass inches from my face, and pointing directly at said face, she figuratively shit all over me. Then laughed uproariously for ten minutes while I choked on the noxious green gas circling my head. (Mind you now I thougtht is was just as F'n funny as she did, and laughed just as loud.)

The next night (still newly married and getting ready for another round) I walked from the dressing area into the master bedroom. As I walked around the end of the bed a small "verp" slipped out me bum. I grinned as I continued to walk around the bed looking at her. She then replied, "You Pig!"

Let me first say that I was miles away from her by compairison, I was not aiming it directly at her, nor was it done purposely. It just slipped out. Tell me please how is a fella suppose which sometimes are ok.

It has been my experience with dearly departed ex-wife that the only sometimes she thought it was funny was when she did it, and it was never funny when I did it, regardless of purpose or intent.

The point I think both you and I are trying to make is that, "Comunnication is the key!"

amy said...

Holy Shit Incurable Savant, it's called EMAIL. Use it next time. Comments are comments. Brief, polite, witty, annoying. Anyways Tasty! I love and agree with everything you say. But still I laugh like a school girl when a fart is done in a funny manner.. like you are in gym class and doing sit ups and someone farts on the gym floor echoing throughout the entire gymnasium. That's funny. Not funny is sitting through five hours of boring orientation in a very very warm room like I had to suffer through next to a very gassy and smelly guy with a female name. That was gross and impolite. Because everyone could smell it and him and I had to keep putting my shirt up to my nose to whiff my own gorgeous smelling Tommy Girl perfume to keep me from passing out.

ropemonkey said...

good stuff....I learned something from savant here too.

Champagnelady59 said...

Stacy I totally agree. I once had the type of relationship where we could talk about anything that was bothering us. I'm hoping I get it back.
You are right on about the farting stuff.

se7en said...

Dear Tastey!! lol

great post and i learned a thing or three myownself


christ*el #3tx said...

it's funny when girls do it, because we don't do it all the time. we don't feel the need to share our digestion with the world, unless it will get us a laugh, or we are on the verge of exploding.

the ONLY time i laugh when my husband does it, is when he then turns and looks at me sheepishly and says, "sorry, i have trouser burps"

i CANNOT help but laugh at that.

Tasty said...

Hehehehe, yeah, Mr. Savant, try da email, brah!!! I totally took your blog (and the ensuing comments) in the spirit in which they were intended -- no apology necessary AT ALL. My little blog mighta been funnier if I hadn't been having one o' those days. Alas, I was.

Let us try again to do more 101 classes!!!!

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