As Requested: Understanding Women, 101

Actually, our dear #4 M'Ary* did weigh in on understanding women earlier, but I'll use 101 as a course number for now.

Understanding Women, 101 - Lesson One

Our dear friend Mr. Savant gave us some pointers on understanding the male of the species and his ability, desire, and flat-out need to flatulate. (Personally, that word cracks me straight up.) You're gonna need to read about that here before you proceed. Go ahead, I'll wait.

Now then, while I certainly do not mind a good fart discussion -- hell, I'm currently experiencing my second adolescence, which means that sometimes I'm a 14 year old boy who finds them hysterically funny -- I do wish to highlight the difference regarding farting, and, er, compliments. While I'm hardly offended by ye olde farts, I admit to being a touch irritated regarding the need for using them as a mating call. Please trust me when I tell you that I'm NOT disputing its natural part of food digestion. I mean, who am I to argue with universal design? I'm simply saying that a huge part of the understanding of women is found in this phrase: PERCEPTION IS REALITY.

Principally, for this discussion, if the woman next to you does not perceive the flatulence to be a compliment, it simply isn't one. Does this make sense? I am most definitely not doubting that it is intended as a compliment of sorts. In fact, I understand the intent; however, this is approximately the only area known to humans where we actually get MORE of you, rather than LESS of you once we make some type of permanent bond with you.

Allow me to elaborate, from highly personal experience.

When we're dating:

• You're charming and chatty.
• You'd never think of passing gas in front of us, because it isn't polite. (We think you're smashingly polite, as a result.)
• You worry about how you look and how you smell before you come to see us.
• You make plans for us to do things when we're together.
• You call the restaurant and the comedy club for reservations.
• You bring flowers or other small items to us to demonstrate that you were thinking of us while we were not in one another's presence. (Even if you didn't know that's what you were doing, that's what it is, because that's how we perceive it. NB: It's not about the flowers!)

Now, once we dwell in the same household:

• You really don't chat as much. This is an indication of intimacy for men, and an indication of disinterest for women. (Look it up, any random Venus and Mars book will tell you it's true.)
• You fart around us and think it's funny that you're impolite. Perception/reality, remember.
• When you come home from work, you sometimes leave your icky work uniform on, and then sit on the clean furniture. You certainly don't shower or apply cologne, 'cause "We're not going anywhere, are we?"
• You don't have any idea how to make dinner reservations, though, the phone seems to be working.
• You no longer bring flowers. NB: But, it's still not about the flowers!

So, allow me to explain something else. Not so bitterly, now. The lists above are just little reminders of what we (and by "we" I mean "I") got less of once I married Grimace. However, I'm still willing to -- someday -- consider a permanent bond with an adult male human. Please understand: well-adjusted women know that men and women demonstrate intimacy differently. Therefore, we don't need to declare "You pig!" when you pass gas if, and only if, we are both making an effort to demonstrate intimacy in the other's style. Here, Moose and Squirrel, I give you the examples.

1. Men do not usually need much of a warm-up for the sex. Women usually do. We don't mind that you don't, just REMEMBER that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
2. Men don't need to relate crap from their work day, usually. Women usually do. Just remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.
3. Women don't think farts are hilarious. (Well, except for sometimes.) And men usually do. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
4. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. We need to remember that you are different than we are. We need to make an effort to go toward you on this.
5. Men tend to talk less as a sign of comfort within a relationship. Women talk more, almost as a rule. YOU need to remember that we are different than you are. Make an effort to come toward us on this.

I think you get my point, here. And that is, if you want to understand women, understand that a compliment is only a compliment if we perceive it as one. Oh, and that we're just different. And that's okay.

Eh, not as funny as I'd hoped, but informative, nonetheless.