Understanding Women 101: Lesson Two

[Yes, the Numbers Summit is still on the way... I just fired this off quickly this morning, and I wanted to post it before Mr. S posts toooooo many more things on his blog so that the whole 101 thing is buried!!!!!]

On to the lesson.

I swear, you're making this too easy, Mr. Savant.

I totally agree that there is truth in sarcasm. My comments here for your personal enjoyment and especially for your edification.

1. Please learn to work the seat.

Boys need it up, girls need it down. When no one is using it, it should be completely closed, which means you nasty girls leaving it up are just as silly as the nasty boys leaving it up! Who wants to see the inside of the toilet when they aren’t using it? Anyone? Anyone? Most men probably don’t care one way or the other. Therefore, I give you this important note: If you aren’t the primary caretaker of the interior of your home and your mate is the primary caretaker, he or she gets to make the rules on how the toilet is left. Guys, if you want to clean the toilets and the surrounding floors (and do all the other interior work) you get to leave the seat up with NO PEEP from the girl!

2. Crying is blackmail.

Crying CAN BE blackmail. But for the most part, it’s an expression of emotion: mostly frustration, frequently anger, and sometimes sadness. Any woman using tears for blackmail should be shot directly in the face on behalf of those of us who are genuinely expressing an emotion.

3. Please ask for exactly what you want.

Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! Nothing, nothing, nothing could be truer than this! Most men are very literal creatures. Sadly, we women have this whole fairytale belief that if we have to ask for it to get it, it’s not romantic or some other bullshit. NO, NO, NO. Asking for what you want or need, in the man’s native language, is NOT unromantic. It exponentially increases the odds of us getting what we need. I ask you, girls, do you want your relationship to fit some fairytale thing you believed as a child, or do you want it to be satisfying? If you voted for satisfying, I welcome you to womanhood! Ask for exactly what you want. (Sidebar: I also recommend this approach in the sack! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!)

4. When you come to a man with a problem, expect his first reaction to be to try and solve it.

My dear girls, this is why we have each other. The sooner we learn to tell the right person for the reaction we desire, the sooner we’ll be at peace. So, if you want a solution, tell your mate; if you want sympathy, tell your girlfriends. There is NO CRIME in looking for what you need for a source other than your mate (um, except for sex). There is also no crime in asking your mate to reserve the “helping” portion of the program for a few minutes and just listen to your pain. That being said, if he’s no good at simply listening for a few minutes, get it somewhere else, and concentrate on those areas where he’s great! (Especially if it’s sex and/or toilet cleaning.)

5. Headaches that last 17 months are a problem, see a doctor.

YA THINK? Oh.my.damn. I personally had sex with the McDonald-Land Character I was married to just so I could have SOME sex. If you can go 17 months without, I need to know your secret.

6. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument, especially if it is totally out of context!

Anything you said six months ago most certainly IS admissible if you never resolved it. If you didn’t resolve it back then, that’s the fault of both participants. If you’re both grownups, you know that nothing is ever really resolved, and what you actually do is learn to accept and love the differences. This approach requires two adult people who are highly conscious. Out-of-context arguments are for the woman who does not know how to argue. Or how to win.

7. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Don't ask for our opinion.

Once again, I must say that any woman asking the question, “Do I look fat in these pants?” deserves the answer, “YES!” Don’t ask stupid questions, girls. Please, please, dammit please love yourself enough to know how you look in your own effing clothes. (Sidebar: In my own personal case, I look fat in everything ‘cause I AM. Thankfully, I also look darling in everything, also ‘cause I AM!)

8. If you ask a question you don't expect an answer to, you will probably get an answer you don't want to hear.

I was confused by the construction of this question. (And I’m sure I’m not alone.) But, let me say this. If you’re a grown-ass woman, the following will be true: you really don’t need to know what he’s thinking at any given time. If he’s silent, he probably really isn’t thinking about anything interesting. (You really think he’s curing cancer or coming up with the next great way to give you an orgasm up there? No, he isn’t.) Leave him to his silence and you keep thinking about George Clooney or whatever makes you happy. Smile at him occasionally to reassure him that you’re fine.

9. You may ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done, NOT BOTH!

All I know is if you have someone who will actually DO the stuff you ask him to do, then shut THE HELL UP about HOW he does it. Also, mister, get to steppin' on that project, will ya?

10. If we ask you “what's wrong?” and you say “nothing,” that's what we will go with.

This is corollary to the do-I-look-fat-in-these-pants question. If he asks and you say “nothing” he is off the hook. Period. If something is wrong but you don’t want to talk about it right then, you say, “I’d like to talk about it later. Thank you for asking.” Really.

11. Anything you pick to wear is fine, REALLY!

Awesome! I’ll be making with the green pants and purple shirt and the 4-inch earrings then. And you’ll give NO QUESTIONING LOOKS. Get me, men?

12. You have enough clothes, and you have way too many shoes.

You get to have an opinion on this topic if:

• You’re the one buying the clothes.
• You’re the one buying the shoes.
• You have one, and only one, cordless screwdriver.

Uh huh. That’s what I thought.