Recently, Judd (of the JuddHole) posted a little something about the "list" we all have for everything in our heads. And I quote, "Everybody walks around with their own preferences, needs, and wants concerning just about anything. Depending on what you're looking for, be it a new car, pair of shoes, or Love, you have certain things that you are looking for that you are unwilling to compromise on." Sure, I might not have ended the sentence with a preposition -- but on the other hand, I only got intimate with this concept, the no-compromise one, say, last effing week, and it appears that Judd has had a grip on that for a while now. In any case, my grip on the no-compromise concept arrives a touch too late for Marriage Ver. 1.0, or Marriage Ver. 2.0. Thank God for second, er, third chances! (Sidebar: I know some of you are saying, "Stacey, don't you know never to buy a point-oh version of ANYTHING??? Always wait for the upgrade.")
So, I give you my list of non-negotiables for a partner and some commentary. (Thus working in both my love of the list, and my love of pontification.)
- He will be as smart as I am. Because, to quote Sissy LeBlanc, "Don't ever marry anyone who isn't as smart as you are. He'll spend the rest of your life making you pay for it."
- He will truly get it. There is unbridled joy in my life. It's splashing out every-damn-where. He needs to see it, know what it is, and participate in it. To be specific, he will be able to look at The Numbers and me while we're under the influence of each other, and just appreciate the giddy laughter. He will be able to sit at the dinner table with (my best friend) Beth's family and me and take joy in the fact that, even after all these years, Beth and I still sort of speak our own language, and it is a great little mystery he's witnessing.
- He will have a life of his own. There must be something he has that gives him energy and happiness. As much as he'll be able see my joy, I'd like to stand back appreciate him in his own life, as well. Sometimes, I'd like to be able to enjoy just the sight of him having a great time or accomplishing something stellar in his career. And sometimes, I'd like to hear about the fun afterward. 'Cause being there isn't always necessary, and is many times desireable.
- He will be extraordinarily alive. In this case, an example is far more effective than an explanation: if you've read Judd's blog over the last several months, you know he's a superb example of this trait. Somehow, he's hyper-willing to have, experience, and express emotion, be it good, bad, or suck-ass. Evidence of that level of passion in another person on this planet literally makes my chest ache. (Yes, literally.) Alive, even while being a complete assmonkey, is amazingly desireable. (Sidebar: The fact that he's on full-on hot motherfucker in the kilt truly has nothing to do with this.)
- There will be no need for me to trim my sails. One of the most difficult and precious things I learned in the last year is that the liklihood of my finding this person to be my partner over a lifetime is real damned small. Yeah. Rough realization. However, the precious part is this: I'd rather be myself and be alone than pare myself down so that I can be partnered. To quote Lloyd Dobler, "I'm looking for a dare-to-be great situation." Anything less will just never work for me. And I make no apologies for that.
All that being said, it would be fun if he was so physically beautiful it made my mouth water. But, since all "pretty" gets you is an interview, I'm good with almost any wrapping on the package.
Here's to the possibility of any of us really and truly knowing our own list of non-negotiable items, and the perseverence to say "no" to "pretty good" so that we can have "amazing" when it's time.
I forgot to mention that there are other things that will tell me "he's the one," including, but certainly not limited to, the ability to keep the hell up with my family; knows how to fight, share, and make up; understands the phrase "I'm running low on hit points"; and knows that dinner in a restaurant is a time to try new things... and share them!
Also, I stole "my love of the list" directly from Allie.