We're down to a "wakeup"!

And I'm so excited I could pee! WOOT!!!!!!!!

Alliepants, please say your microwave works well because I'm jonesing for popcorn almost as much as I'm jonesing to make out with you! Everyone prepare for a lovely portrait of the two cutest girls you know kissing each other. Framed, and in our living rooms. Also, tell Mike I said, "Woof" and I can't wait to see him.

Lola, I'll be there at, say, 7:30? My damn, I'm out of my mind. Is that waayyyy too early? Can you go to sleep real early tonight, like, say, now? Hehehe. Can't wait to hug my wifey!

JennySue, wanna have breakfast that early? Wanna wanna huh? I can't wait to see you!

Ann, have the champagne on ice. HAHA! Like you'd have liquor on campus. Tee hee. Just have your arms ready for the serious huggins!!

WOOT! This time tomorrow we'll only be 5 hours from Alliepants!

Christel's New T-Shirt

Word Nerd

I heard the best sentence the other day from my soul sister, Terri:

“You realize there are eleven men in the world who might be worthy of us; and we know none of them, right?”

HOW FUNNY! (And, how true. Heh heh.)

Now, I ask you, what’s the very best part of that sentence? What truly makes it funny? I know that Beth, Allie, and Matt know for sure. It’s not that there are so few worthy men. It’s not the fact that we know none of them…what is it? C’mon, guess.

It’s the fact that there are eleven. Eleven is what makes that classic.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with Dr. Mary the other night regarding the fact that a great deal of the entertainment I get from life is directly related to language. We were on our way to Wandaful’s new house, and we drove past one of those miniature golf courses, with the windmills and fountains and crap. You know the ones. So anyway, when Beth and I were 14, we went on a trip to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. (A trip during which here parents showed incredible restraint by not throwing us out the window of a moving car.) At that time, there were about 278 miniature golf places like that in Myrtle Beach. (There may be either more, or less now, depending on what’s en vogue for 14-year-old kids on vacation with their parents.)

So, my point, and I do have one, is that on those mini golf courses, the fountains are full of this incredibly blue substance that appears to have a lot of the same fountain-esque properties of water, but is clearly enhanced with chemicals. When Beth first saw one of these, she said, “I don’t know what it is. But water is what it isn’t.” Which is FAR funnier than the blue “water” itself. Beth and I still say that phrase on occasion.

I relayed this story to Dr. Mary, who said, “Oh, what a language geek! And at such a young age.” And SO damn true. The language geek thing never wore off.

In college, the Ford Probe was a new model, and a fairly popular one. Beth and I decided we couldn't possibly drive it due solely to its name. Too close to alien anal probe or something.

When we were in junior high school, we used to pass each other notes with one word on them. Words that made us laugh. Here are all the ones I remember:

• ham
• nub
• meat
• wad
• stump
• loaf
• ode
• tapeworm

No, I don't know *why* they're funny. But they still make me laugh. (I know most of this is probably context and isn't really humorous to most of you.) Speaking of ode and tapeworm, Beth once wrote a poem called Ode to a Tapeworm. It was SO WRONG. And wonderful.

Matt and I were once sent into gales of uncontrolled laughter based purely on the repetition of the word "paprika" in various inflections. This has carried on for years, now. When a guaranteed laugh is needed, all you gotta do is bring out the paprika. Pap-RIIIIIII-ka!

Also, Matt and Beth and I all say "huyhnduh!!?" as a greeting. It's a smashed-together version of "how you doing" and pretty much renders us both hilarious, and sounding like we have some sort of speech difficulty.

This is kind of rambly and hormone-laden. I need vodka and vicodin. Or something. Really good sex wouldn't hurt, either.

OK, as soon as I publish this, I'll think of sixteen other words that make me laugh. (Including the ones right below this post!)

Clever Spammer

I get lots of idiotic spam in my work email, but I got one today that made me laugh. It's idiotic, but entertaining... if you're a word nerd.

I give you the entire contents of the email:

"committable loamy sophomore brothel mnemonic mexican capella raffish assassin account doolittle shot complete parthenon pusey clubhouse bewhisker arcade etch caretaker grown they hornet babble rehabilitate goniometer puppeteer spectacle inferring macaque orthography bluegill barcelona exposure immoral mauritius excelled fitchburg blackwell"

HA!

Now, tomorrow's entry will be a decent one, I promise. It will be called "Word Nerd."

May I Present: My Attitude (in the form of a new t-shirt design.)

Front of shirt:

Back of shirt:

Words by my soul-sister Terri. Design and attitude by me. How many do you want?

You may purchase here: http://www.cafepress.com/fruityqueens.22576146

Regarding My Photo

Apparently, my photo has caused some concern.

I give you exhibit A:

Note from Jenny Fines Cox:

"By the way....I kinda like the new picture. Although I am wondering what it is you're wearing or not. hehehe"

Wiseass girl. I love her so much.

I now give you exhibit B:

Email from Allison:

MEMO

To: #5
From #3ga
Date: May 12, 2005
Re: Possible Sexual Content on your blog

Ms. #5,

Upon my daily reading (it's like the bible, but it's not) , I took notice of your new and most loverly photo. However, it seems to me that you are clothed in some form of lingerie.

I think it should me mandatory that you post some disclaimer....as i was struck with undue moistness knowing the boobs were JUST below frame.

You're going to be blamed for inter-blog hard ons throughout the EN-tire internet...

Just Sayin,
#3ga

How do you not ADORE this girl? OHmydamn, I laughed my ass directly OFF!

For the record:

I'm wearing a little light green tank top with lace on the top edge. And little else.

How about THAT for a blog entry?? 100% stolen from my funnyass friends!

Motivate me?

I'm cleaning house. EW. I'm not even close to motivated. So, I'm just doing it. On the other hand, I've come here to post how unmotivated I am. Heh.

I'm totally motivated to watch a movie and eat pizza.

Who wants to come over and do that with me?

Happy Saturday!

Essential Message

Today I found this essential message from God to us, and from us to one another, cleverly disguised as a Joss Stone song. From the CD Mind, Body, and Soul. Also, if you haven't heard this recording, you gotta. It's amazing beyond the lyric.

Security

A loss that would have thrown
A hole through anybody's soul
And you were only human after all
So don't hold back the tears my dear
Release them so your eyes can clear
I know that you will rise again
But you gotta let them fall
I wish that I could snap my fingers
Erase the past but no
You cannot rewind reality
Once the tape's unrolled

Chorus:
If your spirit's broken and you can't bear the pain
I will help you put the pieces back
A little more each day
And if your heart is locked and you can't find the key
Lay your head upon my shoulder
I'll set you free
I'll be your security

A moment of despair
That forces you to say that life's unfair
It makes you scared of what tomorrow may bring
But don't go giving into fear
Stop hiding all alone in there
The show keeps going on and on
But you'll miss the whole damn thing
I wish I had a crystal ball to see what the future holds
But we don't know how the story ends till it's all been told

Chorus

On any clock upon the wall
The time is always now
So baby kiss the past goodbye
Don't let the future blow your mind
Just sit back and chill
Take things as they come
You can't be afraid
To live for today
I will be with you each step of the way

Chorus (2x)

Put the Serpents Down and Defend Yourself

Dande (#4WV), I haven't seen enough of you lately, so I'm including this regarding your Holy Roller Redneck church. Only wish I'd written them!

You know you go to a redneck church when:

1. The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
2. People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
3. When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
4. Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
5. A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
6. The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
7. In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
8. Baptism is referred to as "branding".
9. High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.
10. People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
11. The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.
12. The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
13. The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
14. Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
15. The minister and spouse drive matching pickup trucks.
16. The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
17. "Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
18. The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya heah?"

Nuttin' better.

So, some good friends of mine stayed in my apartment whilst I was visiting the Fam in Florida. My dear Matt has named all of my residences for quite some time now, and he named this one, too. I made a minor revision with the name and left this for them (framed, of course) on my counter.

I came home to GORGEOUS flowers and hotel reviews. "All the ameneties you've come to expect from a European Boutique Hotel, but with a convenient downtown Indianapolis location." (Seattle Times Travel Editor) and "Purty pitchers and nice bed. Couldn't find the outhouse all weekend! A 6-tooth ratin'!" (From the Knoxville Travel Section.) I couldn't have been happier or gigglier if I tried. I love having funny friends.

More later, but wanted to share this.

Love, me

Incredible Body

When you hear the words "incredible body" what comes to mind?

When you hear "incredible body" do you think Angelina Jolie? Tyra Banks? A shirtless Johnny Depp? Maybe Orlando Bloom? Or do you just think of individual body parts like shapely legs, hard chest, shredded stomach muscles, vanilla ice cream scoop breasts, or something else? Living in this media-infused society, I'd not be surprised if every one of us thought of the incredible body as a taller-than-average, perfectly-complexioned, very wealthy, famous, slender, well-muscled, specimen. Nothing wrong with any of those attributes, either. I can even say without a grain of insincerity that I'd take some of those attributes for myself. Vast wealth can be appealing, after all.

I'd like to introduce you to another incredible body. Several of them, actually.

My friend Lauren's incredible body is one of amazing strength and endurance. She's not tall, nor thin, and the girl will flat out tell you she has Fred Flintstone feet. Lauren was born with Spina Bifida, a spinal injury that could easily have rendered her severely physically disabled. Instead, Lauren cared for her body, took it to the doctor, prayed for it, recruited her family and friends to pray for it, loved it, taught it Yoga, and spoke to it so that it would know how much it was loved, even though it wasn't always healthy. Guess what: Lauren has an incredible body. And it's not going to end up severely disabled, it's going to carry children, and it's going to last her a long time. Yep, incredible.

My friend Shannon has lived through several battles with cancer. The last time she fought with it (and won) the doctors told her to say goodbye to the kids and the family and prepare to meet Jesus. When nothing else was working, Shannon took her very ill body out of the hospital where the negative doctors were working. The doctors who spoke of her as though she were already dead. And then she made her own body well. She gave it the love and care it needed, complete with raw food, raw juice, and all the other stuff she will happily tell you about. She prayed, recruited her family and friends to pray, loved it, and spoke to it, as well. Her body got well. Healed itself! And produced another beautiful son after all that. Incredible body! I know you agree.

My Very Best Friend's incredible body has given birth to the five sweetest, most beautiful, most wonderful children on this planet. I haven't seen her naked in a while, but I'm betting she's not quite as thrilled with her physical self as she was when we were 19. Again, utterly not my point. Her body is strong, and healthy, and is the actual location where the souls of her children met their own physical bodies. That's not a small miracle. Indeed, incredible.

What would my little essay be without mentioning myownself? (Again, not famous for humility, me.) In the last couple of years I've learned some great stuff about me, one of those being that I, too, have an incredible body. I've never been fatter, or cuter, in my life. I have gorgeous skin -- everywhere, the best hair sculpture north of the Mason-Dixon Line, dark chocolate eyes, and looooooooong eyelashes. I also have amazing tits. Again, oh-so not my point. The point is, everything works. Everything is healthy. Everything is even proportionate! I'm so incredibly grateful for my fuctioning, healthy, wonderful body that knows how to walk, wake, sleep, and, thank God, breathe. Incredible; even the very basics are nothing less than an absolute miracle.

When I was a child I read a book that someone had given to my father when he was a child. It had lots of short stories inside, one of which has always been with me. The daughter in the story was frequently embarrassed by the odd-looking arms and hands of her mother. She wanted her mother to hide her hands and arms from her little friends. The mother was careful to protect the child from embarrassment. However, the story eventually revealed that the mother's arms were terribly scarred from burns she sustained while saving the daughter from a house fire when she was a baby. A scarred, incredible body.

You probably already know there's another scarred, incredible body that saved us from fire, too.

The incredible body is temporarily connected to the soul, which makes even the broken, the trapped, the thoroughly undone body intensely beautiful. The soul is what makes us indispensable to eternity and to one another. I know you knew that.

Until we arrive in the eternity provided by the scarred body of God, we all have somewhere incredible to live.

Me, with the love.

So, I had a blue-esque sort of a day. If you've known me for say, 20 years or so, this will be no surprise to you whatsoever. If you've known me for a year, you'll wonder what went wrong. Nothing at all, I say. Just because I used to be the girl who cried for a hobby and because I'm now the girl who laughs just as much as she used to cry -- maybe more -- doesn't mean I have to be popsicles and sunshine all day every day. Get off my back, already, dammit.

Heh. Just kidding on that last bit.

I really did have a blue moment or twelve, but then I remembered that a little bit of blue never killed anyone, and was glad to have a little rain on the sand. Raindrops falling heavily, without violence, and with purpose. And the desert was happy to have the moisture. (That's where the flowers grow later.)

Additionally, I remembered the following things, which always help:

• Beth, my VBF
• Matt
• Lola
• Allie
• Christel
• Dande
• Jenny Fines Cox
• Dad
• Mom
• The Fig
• Jacob, Chloe, Seth, Jude, and Simon
• Freedom
• Music
• Polenta
• Words!!!
• Work
• Play
• Chocolate
• New neighbors
• Family history
• Possibilities

Balance is not so bad.

Love you, mean it.