From Whence the Snippets Came

My last two posts have come from this rambly thing I wrote. I wanted my VBF and my Nummas (esp. Christel in this case) to know where I am, exactly 24 months after Releasing the Vacuous Beast Back Into the Wild.

Here you go.


Some things we have within us when we’re born. Some things we build within ourselves so that our own lives can be better. Some things we build within ourselves so that we can survive crushing circumstances. Some things we could build within ourselves, but we choose not to do so. And, in some cases, we are unaware that we are able to build those things within ourselves.

I believe that the Lord created me a specific way to (among other things) see what I might do with what I had. I came equipped with the following things programmed into my DNA: brilliance, verbosity, emotionality, passion, seriousness, and teach-ability. I also believe that, with lots of help and love, I have added characteristics I wanted to my personality. I’ve changed into some one who is ever-so-slightly more emotionally controlled, is lots of fun, is funny, is adventurous, is really quite brave, is somewhat easygoing, is aware of many of her faults and makes an effort to change them, is a good motivator of others, is absolutely FULL of faith, and is a spectacular friend. Honestly, I truly believe that we don’t have to go out and “find ourselves”. We get to “make ourselves”. For me, that was deciding the kind of person I wanted to be, and making myself into that person. Yes, of course, I had tons of help along the way and an amazing family from which to start. Yes. But, ask the family. I wasn’t always happy, or confident, or fun. It’s public knowledge that I didn’t grow a sense of humor until I was about 20. And I wasn’t the teensiest bit comfortable with my body until I was, say, 35.

When I was a child, I couldn’t be teased without crying. When I was a teenager, I was so self-conscious that I rarely went to school without shedding a few tears of embarrassment before I ever got there. There were days that I tried to stay home due to a bad hair day. When I look at the pictures now, I’m thoroughly amazed … I was gorgeous. And I had no idea. As a young adult I was *so* frustrated all the time that if I was carrying too many things and I dropped some or all of them? Disaster! Tears and anger were the usual results. I vividly recall being that Stacey, and it really wasn’t very much fun. It had its good points – good friends, good family, confidence in my intelligence – but not much else. Not ONE TERRIBLE THING happened to me until I was an adult. But I walked around acting like everything was terrible. I’d have told you I had bad luck and several problems.

When I did grow up, I married someone I considered my best friend. He and I were crazy-happy and did everything together. I still have pictures of that courtship that make me smile because of the time of my life. As you know, I reserved my virginity for marriage; I was flatly rejected after the wedding. There is no possible way to tell you how excruciating that was. I was sure there was something wrong with me. To this day I know that the faithfulness of God is the only way I managed to survive the rejection, the divorce, the loss of my new family, the loss of my entire future as I had imagined it. I believed I was forming a new family by marrying and being rejected by my own family is the most crushing thing I have ever been through.

Then, I remarried. Badly.

Then, the unthinkable happened. My very best friend on the planet lost her son. This is an indescribable loss and Seth wasn’t even mine. I physically ached for Beth for over a year. (Sometimes, I still do.) The loss of this baby was a defining moment in my life. Among other massive changes, from that moment on, most things get compared to that day for clarity. At the end of a day, if I can say, “No one died,” I can consider it a good day.

I had to go through the whole rejection from another family I had formed as yet another marriage ended. My husband didn’t love me, nor was he ever going to try to do so.

Thank God, in the meantime, at the advice of my father, I’d acquired I life I actually loved. I had started choosing to be happy even when it wasn’t simple. I did things that fulfilled me and caused me to grow. It didn’t matter as much that my husband didn’t love me because I knew I was lovable. I had worked on it. I had developed new friendships that nourished me. Met new people that inspired me to be who I had barely imagined I could be. I started to see myself as capable and started doing things to prove it. I planned and executed ideas, projects, and road trips. I took truth from wherever I found it and made it my own. This is when I started to wake up.

Staying wide awake has been my driving force ever since.

As a result of all this, I have some things that I am unable to offer. I am unable to offer you a fresh, new, undamaged heart. I don’t have one of those. I am unable to offer you innocence and newness of soul. I can’t offer you a person who will live in “survival mode” for long periods of time. I already know that it is necessary to accept and integrate the horrific things so that one can push past them and gain strength from the experience.

Also as a result, I have some things that enthusiastically offer. I offer the companionship and love of someone who has experienced some terrible things and lived to laugh about (most of) them. I offer a mind that will look for a new solution to an old problem. I offer someone who knows that the phrase, “There are two sides to every story” is crap. There are at least 12 sides to every story and at least that many solutions to every problem. I offer you someone who, because I have been someplace dark, knows that it’s totally possible to go someplace light again. I offer enthusiasm for consciousness, learning new things, going new places, and resting periodically. I offer an insatiable appetite for color, texture, taste, words, scenery, meaning, and experience.

I say “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” because the worst that can happen either A.) probably won’t, or B.) already has. And it’s all survivable. Every damn bit of it. Circumstances are not the whole story; they never are. When I say, “It will be okay, I promise” it’s from a position of ABSOLUTE FAITH, and not a position of blithe positive thinking. I have absolute faith that when it’s time, the answer will be provided. Failure is not always failure. Falling down and getting back up is the vital work of life. On the other hand, staying seated makes falling down and getting back up utterly impossible.

I also offer you someone who only knows about three things for sure, and will just try my damnedest to stay awake to learn the rest of what is available for me to learn.

I humbly offer you the challenge to keep up with me.

Stuff I'm thinking about:

I say “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” because the worst that can happen either A.) probably won’t, or B.) already has. And it’s all survivable. Every damn bit of it. Circumstances are not the whole story; they never are. When I say, “It will be okay, I promise” it’s from a position of ABSOLUTE FAITH, and not a position of blithe positive thinking. I have absolute faith that when it’s time, the answer will be provided. Failure is not always failure. Falling down and getting back up is the vital work of life. On the other hand, staying seated makes falling down and getting back up utterly impossible.

Something I Believe

Some things we have within us when we’re born. Some things we build within ourselves so that our own lives can be better. Some things we build within ourselves so that we can survive crushing circumstances. Some things we could build within ourselves, but we choose not to do so. And, in some cases, we are unaware that we are able to build those things within ourselves.

The sort of thing that makes me laugh:

I'm not sure of the veracity of the story, but it makes me laugh. So, here. Enjoy.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and pilots then review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (M) by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode .

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Geek Alert!

RHYMING DICTIONARY! OMG!

FYI

lugubrious

One entry found for lugubrious.

Main Entry: lu·gu·bri·ous
Pronunciation: lu-'gü-brE-&s also -'gyü-
Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin lugubris, from lugEre to mourn; akin to Greek lygros mournful

1 : MOURNFUL; especially : exaggeratedly or affectedly lugubrious brooding -- V. S. Pritchett>

2 : DISMAL

-lu·gu·bri·ous·ly adverb

-lu·gu·bri·ous·ness noun

So cute I had to do it again.

Raise your hand if you know where I got her name!

Gratitude

You know what's crazy? Sometimes, even though I'm outrageously blessed, living like I'm truly grateful is hard work.

I mean, COME ON, I live in.doors. Where there's air conditioning! I have a clean, comfortable bed. I actually have to diet because I have had too much to eat for most of my adult life. I'm employed, with health insurance, and a 401(k). I have, truly, the most wonderful friends in the history of recorded time. I have a family that is beyond wonderful.

GOOD GRIEF.

I also have a work situation that I'm somehow allowing to sap my happy.

Here's what I need:

A.) You, over there, make me laugh!
B.) Recommend something fabulous for a job search idea.
C.) Pray for me (or, if you don't pray, do whatcha do) to not only maintain my gratitude, but to demonstrate it. At work, even.
D.) Offer me a job.
E.) See "C" above.

Thanks. Mean it.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Today is my mother's birthday. I can't tell you anything more than I told her, so I'm going to share with you the first few pages of the book my brother and I put together for her birthday. She's amazing.

Wanna hear it? Here it go.

Quotes from the Asylum

Since I've been on this ginormous information technology project at work, I've collected some quotes. I share them with you now. NB: Each line is a new quote and will not have anything to do with the one before it. Oh! I almost forgot, I have a few quotes in here from friends who are simply cleverashell and are not part of my work crowd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just because you're late doesn't mean I'm ready.

I'm talking out of the side of my neck.

They want it to happen automagically. I'm going to need them to help with the magic part.

Harrass where appropriate.

Escalation is like sunshire here.

The party doesn't end.

It's right up there in the OHMYGAWD stages.

It's worse than "find the needle." It's "put the hay back in order."

It was nothing if not at the UNIX level.

Too many users; too much access.

I can walk off the plan and catch on FIRE. It don't mattah! (Regarding going on vacation.)

Get to crackin!

Put that Blue Hat clear down over your ears! (Regarding wearing the "analytical hat" the job requries.)

Dude's making like a thousand dollars an hour. (Regarding consultants.)

You're gonna have to Hog On. (She meant "Log On.")

If you'd like to look at all the old virgins... (She meant "versions".)

You obviously have the visual version of my auditory problem.

I was going to be nice; then I remembered I didn't like her.

We've been people-watching lately. Well, because it's free.

I looked like a Bajoran. (Regarding an eyebrow-waxing accident.)

There's going to be a body in the stairwell! (Regarding a new supervisor.)

His boat has taken on a lot of water.

There you go ma'am. There's your side of beef.

(Regarding work) That's the first time I've told anybody "no" in 6 1/2 years. That felt pretty good!

It's never good when you see Insanity coming down the conveyor belt.

This job sure makes me want some tequila.

James Joyce is like fruitcake: dense and epic.

So, I had the dog's knees removed while I was in Paris.

(In response to some instructions I'd written... I meant "Click the FIND button". I wrote "Lick the FIND button.") Uh, Stacey, I'm not sure how to proceed, here.

We push a rock up a hill just so it can sit up there next to the other rocks.

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Sadly, that last quote defines our business practices! GAH! What good stuff have you heard lately? And, do you walk around with a little pad of paper and a pen writing down what people say, too? Or is that just my own personal hobby?

One day soon, I will write again.

Until then...

My New Pet

Nibblet likes to play. Click to see his tricks!

adopt your own virtual pet!