Wednesday, May 31

From Whence the Snippets Came

My last two posts have come from this rambly thing I wrote. I wanted my VBF and my Nummas (esp. Christel in this case) to know where I am, exactly 24 months after Releasing the Vacuous Beast Back Into the Wild.

Here you go.

Some things we have within us when we’re born. Some things we build within ourselves so that our own lives can be better. Some things we build within ourselves so that we can survive crushing circumstances. Some things we could build within ourselves, but we choose not to do so. And, in some cases, we are unaware that we are able to build those things within ourselves.

I believe that the Lord created me a specific way to (among other things) see what I might do with what I had. I came equipped with the following things programmed into my DNA: brilliance, verbosity, emotionality, passion, seriousness, and teach-ability. I also believe that, with lots of help and love, I have added characteristics I wanted to my personality. I’ve changed into some one who is ever-so-slightly more emotionally controlled, is lots of fun, is funny, is adventurous, is really quite brave, is somewhat easygoing, is aware of many of her faults and makes an effort to change them, is a good motivator of others, is absolutely FULL of faith, and is a spectacular friend. Honestly, I truly believe that we don’t have to go out and “find ourselves”. We get to “make ourselves”. For me, that was deciding the kind of person I wanted to be, and making myself into that person. Yes, of course, I had tons of help along the way and an amazing family from which to start. Yes. But, ask the family. I wasn’t always happy, or confident, or fun. It’s public knowledge that I didn’t grow a sense of humor until I was about 20. And I wasn’t the teensiest bit comfortable with my body until I was, say, 35.

When I was a child, I couldn’t be teased without crying. When I was a teenager, I was so self-conscious that I rarely went to school without shedding a few tears of embarrassment before I ever got there. There were days that I tried to stay home due to a bad hair day. When I look at the pictures now, I’m thoroughly amazed … I was gorgeous. And I had no idea. As a young adult I was *so* frustrated all the time that if I was carrying too many things and I dropped some or all of them? Disaster! Tears and anger were the usual results. I vividly recall being that Stacey, and it really wasn’t very much fun. It had its good points – good friends, good family, confidence in my intelligence – but not much else. Not ONE TERRIBLE THING happened to me until I was an adult. But I walked around acting like everything was terrible. I’d have told you I had bad luck and several problems.

When I did grow up, I married someone I considered my best friend. He and I were crazy-happy and did everything together. I still have pictures of that courtship that make me smile because of the time of my life. As you know, I reserved my virginity for marriage; I was flatly rejected after the wedding. There is no possible way to tell you how excruciating that was. I was sure there was something wrong with me. To this day I know that the faithfulness of God is the only way I managed to survive the rejection, the divorce, the loss of my new family, the loss of my entire future as I had imagined it. I believed I was forming a new family by marrying and being rejected by my own family is the most crushing thing I have ever been through.

Then, I remarried. Badly.

Then, the unthinkable happened. My very best friend on the planet lost her son. This is an indescribable loss and Seth wasn’t even mine. I physically ached for Beth for over a year. (Sometimes, I still do.) The loss of this baby was a defining moment in my life. Among other massive changes, from that moment on, most things get compared to that day for clarity. At the end of a day, if I can say, “No one died,” I can consider it a good day.

I had to go through the whole rejection from another family I had formed as yet another marriage ended. My husband didn’t love me, nor was he ever going to try to do so.

Thank God, in the meantime, at the advice of my father, I’d acquired I life I actually loved. I had started choosing to be happy even when it wasn’t simple. I did things that fulfilled me and caused me to grow. It didn’t matter as much that my husband didn’t love me because I knew I was lovable. I had worked on it. I had developed new friendships that nourished me. Met new people that inspired me to be who I had barely imagined I could be. I started to see myself as capable and started doing things to prove it. I planned and executed ideas, projects, and road trips. I took truth from wherever I found it and made it my own. This is when I started to wake up.

Staying wide awake has been my driving force ever since.

As a result of all this, I have some things that I am unable to offer. I am unable to offer you a fresh, new, undamaged heart. I don’t have one of those. I am unable to offer you innocence and newness of soul. I can’t offer you a person who will live in “survival mode” for long periods of time. I already know that it is necessary to accept and integrate the horrific things so that one can push past them and gain strength from the experience.

Also as a result, I have some things that enthusiastically offer. I offer the companionship and love of someone who has experienced some terrible things and lived to laugh about (most of) them. I offer a mind that will look for a new solution to an old problem. I offer someone who knows that the phrase, “There are two sides to every story” is crap. There are at least 12 sides to every story and at least that many solutions to every problem. I offer you someone who, because I have been someplace dark, knows that it’s totally possible to go someplace light again. I offer enthusiasm for consciousness, learning new things, going new places, and resting periodically. I offer an insatiable appetite for color, texture, taste, words, scenery, meaning, and experience.

I say “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” because the worst that can happen either A.) probably won’t, or B.) already has. And it’s all survivable. Every damn bit of it. Circumstances are not the whole story; they never are. When I say, “It will be okay, I promise” it’s from a position of ABSOLUTE FAITH, and not a position of blithe positive thinking. I have absolute faith that when it’s time, the answer will be provided. Failure is not always failure. Falling down and getting back up is the vital work of life. On the other hand, staying seated makes falling down and getting back up utterly impossible.

I also offer you someone who only knows about three things for sure, and will just try my damnedest to stay awake to learn the rest of what is available for me to learn.

I humbly offer you the challenge to keep up with me.


Anonymous said...

Yeehaw! You must be at least this-------> tall to ride this ride. you will get wet on this ride. cutting in line may lead to ejection from the park.

i am on board with you. let's ride until our teeth are full of bugs!


Lola said...

true dat!

and you are one of the select few people that i actually believe when you say "it will be okay, i promise." because i know with all my heart that you don't say it unless it is true and possible. another thing i do with all my heart is love you. i'm damn lucky to be able to do that.

happiness is attainable. it is scary and usually difficult and ALWAYS worth it. however, having a true friend like you makes it a lot easier. thanks for being a great role model.

Lola said...

oh, and email me your address. you know i never have any idea where my address book is and i need yours.

MajorMike said...

Hip, hip, hooray! Great job. Thanks for the plug.


Beth said...

I'd make a comment 'cept I'm speechless.

Just beautiful.
Love, Me

Allie#3ga said...

and i have the honor of calling you friend. and the honor of you calling me friend right back.

christ*el #3tx said...

you have no idea how much more radiant my life is having you in it.

i am amazed and awed and proud of you every time i think of you.

know that i love you with every ounce of my being.

(do you know how much that is? because its the same for ALL the numbers. i ache because i will never be able to express how much i love each and every one of you.)

Wanda said...

WOW! You are simply amazing and have such a way with words. I miss seeing you everyday (like when there was just a cube wall between us), and reading this makes me realize it even more. I miss you soooo much Boss Queen! (I was a little disappointed that my, "Stacey . . . your husband is a JERK!" line didn't make it into your blog though! :)

We simply MUST get together soon dahling!

bb said...

No wonder your dad is so proud. :-)

Smashlee said...

You are an amazing and spectacular woman and I don't get to say that enough.

Simply Misunderstood said...

wow. amazing post. simply amazing.

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