The Appropriate Responses

Since our guy Pete brought forth his deep wisdom and knowledge yesterday regarding the things men say and what they mean when they say them, [http://incredipete.diaryland.com/040928_57.html] I thought it only prudent that we should examine the proper responses to these phrases when they arise, as they are wont to do. And here they are.

1. "Of course I'll still respect you."

I can tell you now that if you’ve asked a question that garners a reply such as this, you don’t respect yourself, and you deserve this shallow response. You have to get comfortable with the fact that you’re having recreational sex or you have to NOT DO IT. Don’t ask idiotic questions. You don’t have to.


2. "I love you."

If you’re in love, and he rocks hard-core, there is a small (read: infinitesimal) chance this is actually true. (I have heard of this happening in nature.) However, it’s very likely not true, and the only appropriate response to this statement is, “Shut up you lying sack. You just want to have sex with me.” Now, if you want to have sex with this maroon, this is your moment – you’re not going to be shot down. And if not, this is your cue to listen to the voice in your head saying, “Next!”


3. "Baby, can you bring me a beer?"

If you don’t know the answer to this question is, “My name isn’t ‘Baby’” I simply cannot help you.


4. "I don't want to talk right now."

The correct response to this little gem is “You’re not talking, you’re listening, Bucko.”


5. "I'll be home in a while."

Wait, wait, wait! You called to see when he was going to be home? Ohmydamn, woman, why are you at home? Why are you waiting? GO OUT, HAVE FUN, GET A LIFE. He should be wondering when your sassy punkass is going to make it home. OK, OK, If you already DID make this stupid call, and you got the “I’ll be home in a while” response, now you happily say, “Okay, sexypants, have a great time! See you later!” This confuses them greatly. Or not, depending on their level of inebriation.


6. "Let's go out tonight."

The proper response here is, while tilting your head coquettishly, "I already have plans for tonight darlin’, but thank you ever so much for asking.” As you take your leave, you murmur things like “ Too bad for you buddy, I have plans tonight that include batteries the highly effective application of latex products."


7. "You look great!"

Lean in, whisper deeply, sweetly, huskily, with your soft lips aaaaaallllllllllmost touching his ear, “Thank you for noticing.”


8. "Let's stay in tonight."

Say you’re married, (try not to break out into hives as you do,) say, brightly, “Oh, good! What are you cooking?”


9. "Let's rent 'Hope Floats'."

“Two words: poop floats.”


10. "I don't think you should be friends with that guy... there's just something about him I don't like."

Here, you have two options. The first is to ask as many questions about this perceived vibe as possible, one after another, as to bring man who did the perceiving to his knees with utter anguish, wishing like hell he’d kept his yam shut. The second one is to not take the hint and dance the jig of glee when your divorce papers arrive and you realize you’re blissfully free and you’ll presently be releasing this Cro-Magnon back into nature!