New T-Shirt

Hi kids. I know I called off the strike, then didn't bother to update. Well, today's not a lot better, and all you get is a very short story and a new T-shirt design. Some of my favorite people ever (mainly my soul-sister Terri) and I have come up with about three gabillion T-shirt designs over the last several months. This doesn't even encompass the several *other* gabillion fabu ones that Allie has come up with, either. But today, there was a banner suggestion.

Long story longer, I've been getting to know a person (via phone and email) who we're calling both The Chef and That Todd. Over the last few days, he and I have been trading creative insults. (Hey, I claimed neither to BE mature, nor to make mature friends.) His have included "camel scrotum," "liverlips," and "hamster sac." Mine have been mostly "monkey-boy" and the ever-charming "codpiece."

Terri says "hamster sac" would make an excellent t-shirt. I'm inclined to agree. See below.

The Strike is Off

I talked to #4WV and she's coming back to play with us in the blogging plane. Her ass has been glued to the piano bench because the Serpent Handling Church had Revival or some such this week. When I told her I was on strike, she briefly considered a lockout, but I've called off the strike, so all should proceed without collective bargaining.

Look for posts from both of us later.

Also, where the hell is #3GA??? Imaneed an update about her weekend with her boyfriends!

I AM SO ON STRIKE!

Until Mary (#4WV) comes back and posts, I'm silent.

Amen.

D-U-N DONE WITH CNN.COM

Okay, I just read the following on cnn.com:

"Legal appeals on behalf of Terri Schiavo's parents to put their brain-damaged daughter back on a feeding tube again failed on Thursday. Courts have consistently ruled against her parents, who want to keep her alive, and in favor of her husband, who wants her to die with dignity."

Die with dignity? Whaaa??

Starvation is how people lost in the desert, people trapped in caves, and people who are prisoners in Eastern Bloc prisons die. Dignity? I give up on unbiased reporting. Give me a five minute break, already.

I have only a couple of questions:

1.) Who deemed starvation a humane, kind death? Let's be honest; the more humane route would be lethal injection. And, no, I am NOT kidding.

2.) Where is the feminist outcry? Divorce would save Terri Schiavo's life in this case, but she's not allowed to divorce. HEL-LO.

3.) Where IN THE HELL is the ACLU? Can you even imagine the insane level of ruckus if the method of execution for a death-row murderer was "slow dehydration and starvation over 7 to 14 days"? (Of course you can; it's even MORE ridiculous that a person who is not on death row being executed in this manner.)

The Lush

Bourbon

Congratulations! You're 125 proof, with specific scores in beer (80), wine (83), and liquor (104).

Screw all that namby-pamby chick stuff, you're going straight for the bottle and a shot glass! It'll take more than a few shots of Wild Turkey or 99 Bananas before you start seeing pink elephants. You know how to handle your alcohol, and yourself at parties.

You scored higher than 44% on proof
You scored higher than 93% on beer index
You scored higher than 87% on wine index
You scored higher than 96% on liquor index

It was published.

And I thought the editing job was quite good! Here's a link to my letter to the editor as it appeared in the Indianapolis Star on Sunday. http://www.indystar.com/articles/6/230521-2356-022.html

Hello, again!

I Live: in Indianapolis, Indiana.
I Work: at a drug company famous for its antidepressants.
I Think: that I am so blessed with friends it's really, really crazy!
I Smell: heavenly.
I Listen: to music almost all the time.
I Hide: nothing. I'm so freakin' transparent it's sickening.
I Walk: on the treadmill nearly every night.
I Write: when I feel passionate about something. (Or when I'm doing one of these goofy lists.)
I See: not nearly enough of Chloe and Jacob.
I Sing: all the damn time. It's difficult to quit singing at work.
I Can: convince you of almost anything.
I Watch: the West Wing on TV.
I Daydream: about being kissed and held while I sleep. Or about being on a book tour with the Numbers (#3KY, #3GA, #3TX, and #4WV. )
I Fall: up the stairs, sometimes. That's talent, kids.
I Want: more time.
I Cry: as though it were my hobby.
I Read: anything thought-provoking and/or entertaining. NO romance novels. Ever.
I Love: getting to know people.
I Rode: my bike to the boat dock when we lived in Hawaii.
I Sometimes: forget to take my own advice.
I Fear: that my folks will be disappointed in me.
I Hope: that I figure out what I want to do when I grow up.
I Eat: popcorn and cheddar cheese for dinner sometimes.
I Quit: asking myself the question "what's wrong with me?"
I Drink: double espresso nearly every day.
I Play: a doctor on TV.
I Miss: Lipstick Laura.
I Forgive: Grimace for being profoundly self-centered.
I Drive: the car of an 80 year old woman.
I Dream: of making a really significant contribution to humanity.
I Have: a totally awesome life.
I Remember: that anything can happen.
I Don't: regret a damn thing.
I Believe: that God both knows me and loves me exactly how I am today.
I Owe: a debt of gratitude to my mom and dad that really can't be paid.
I Know: that I'm worth the trouble.
I Hate: that neither of my husbands knew I was worth the trouble.
I Feel: free.

Today's letter to the editor:

Here's what I sent to the editor of my local paper:

I fail to understand why the government is involved in marriage at all – gay, straight, or otherwise. Marriage is a spiritual union and government is not a spiritual organization. Let the Church marry people, and let the elected government set aside tax and other public benefits for those who choose to make a permanent family, regardless of the sex of its members. How is the government in a position to dictate who is a family and who is not?

As a straight person, I make this appeal for myself, as well. When I’m very old and the only person left who really loves me is my best friend, that’s who I would want to be my family. Because neither of us is homosexual, we wouldn’t seek marriage, but we would want to be a family. In effect, she’s the one I trust to decide what treatment I get in the event I arrive unconscious in an emergency room. This selection is not something I need to have defined by marriage.

Government should remove itself from the perceived moral part of the equation by eliminating marriage licenses altogether and replacing them with family licenses. Families would then be the permanent institution, dissolvable only by the equivalent of divorce, and with all the benefits of the current government-licensed marriage.

In this way, government doesn’t have to concern itself with the sexuality or gender of anyone in a family, the Church doesn’t have to approve of the government’s position on marriage, the Church doesn’t have to marry anyone it doesn’t want to marry, and people who want to be families can be families.

Snapshot of Greece

We, lovers and lovers of history,
stand silent
in the rubble of this church
built a thousand years ago.
Shards of marble grey and white
shift beneath our weight.
We let go a long-held breath of awe.
You squeeze my hand
and tilt your chin toward the hill.
Nine kinds of green lift my eyes
to wonder.
One of the greens
is the one I find
in your eyes
at night.

I still dream of your eyes
and that olive tree
whenever it rains.

Some assignments.

• Read a book by someone you think you'll really disagree with. And read it without passion, so that you can see his or her side of things. (This means that #4 has to read something by Anne Coulter. BWAHAHA! For my mom, something by Anne Lamott.)
• Learn to argue without venom. And without certitude.
• Be generous when you don't feel like it.
• Eat something you've never tried before.
• Quit doubting yourself so much.
• Drive home using a different route.
• Be the one he or she can call at 3:00 a.m.
• Call him or her at 3:00 a.m.
• Quit thinking you're morally superior to those with whom you don't agree.
• Be someone you respect.
• Get some sleep, already.
• Take your vitamins.
• Take a risk.

ALSO stolen without regret!

Stolen from Devilboss, who stole from others...

The X's are the things I have done!

( ) snuck out of the house
(X) gotten lost in your city (Sooooooo long ago!)
(X) saw a shooting star
(X) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery (I would not call it serious.)
(X) gone out in public in your pajamas (Duh.)
(X) kissed a stranger
(X) hugged a stranger
( ) been in a fist fight
( ) been arrested
( ) done drugs
(X) had alcohol
(X) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
(X) pushed all the buttons on an elevator
(X) made out in an elevator
( ) slept in an elevator
( ) swore at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts
(X) been in love (Mostly with Allie.)
(X) been close to love
(X) been to a casino
( ) been skydiving (Not yet!)
( ) broken a bone
( ) been high (Just on laughter.)
(X) skinny-dipped
(X) skipped school (Only in college.)
(X) flashed someone
(X) saw a therapist (DUH! Well-woman visits!)
(X) done the splits
(X) played spin the bottle
(X) gotten stitches
(X) had an IV
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour (GAG!)
(X) bitten someone (Just in bed!)
( ) been to Niagara Falls
(X) gotten the chicken pox
(X) kissed a member of the opposite sex
(X) kissed a member of the same sex (Duh!)
( ) crashed into a friend's car
( ) been to Japan
(X) ridden in a taxi
(X) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) had a crush on someone of the same sex (All the numbers for sure!)
(X) had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
( ) stole something from your job
(X) gone on a blind date
( ) lied to a friend
(X) had a crush on a teacher (Teaching assistant Mark Bourdeau. Ask me sometime.)
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans (Not yet!!!)
(X) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
(X) been married
(X) gotten divorced (both times.)
( ) had children
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(X) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(X) Been to Canada
(X) Been to Mexico
(X) Been on a plane
( ) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
( ) Thrown up in a bar
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire (No, but have set a lawn on fire.)
(X) Eaten Sushi
( ) Been snowboarding
(X) Met someone in person from the internet. (Some of my best friends and dates, too.)
( ) Been moshing at a rock show
( ) Cut yourself on purpose
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child
(X) gone to college
(X) graduated from college
( ) done hard drugs
( ) tried killing yourself
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now

Wayne Brady & A Few Other Disjointed Thoughts

Do you have a bank in your area of the country called 5/3 Bank? They say "Fifth third." Wayne Brady does the commercials for this institution -- you know who I mean? This guy:

Anyway, that was just for your personal enjoyment -- isn't he a doll? -- because my point has nothing to do with Mr. Brady. It has to do with the bank itself.

Normally, I just drive by one of their branches and think, "5/3, why can't this financial institution reduce its fractions?" I mean, I'm hardly one to criticize anyone about math. Great googley moogley, I partially based the selection of my college major on the fact that I wouldn't be required to take any classes more complicated than "Computer Science for Poets" or "Statistics for the Mathematically Terrified." But, come on. This is a BANK. These people should know a thing or two about fractions. Reduce, people. It's one and two-thirds. Even the English major knows that.

Recently, they started airing some radio commercials starring the abovementioned (and pictured) Mr. Brady. The jingle which, is a catchy rewritten Motown song called "Shout" says, "It's as eeeeeeeeeasy as one-two-five-three!"

YOU.HAVE.GOT.TO.BE.KIDDING.ME.

Now they can't even count? Let's just say I'm not giving these people my hard-earned smacks if they can't even count to THREE. Let's review the commercial: It's as easy as one, two, five, three! Whaaa??? Didn't we learn how to count all the way to ten before we ever went to school? One, two, three. Not terribly complicated, you know? I feel like I'm stuck in a scene from Monty Python's Holy Grail. (Not that I really mind, I mean, it's a great scene.) Bottom line, they're not getting my cash. No matter how talented or goodlooking Wayne Brady might be.

In other news, my microwave oven seems to be broken, thus preventing me from popping Pop Secret Homestyle Microwave Popcorn. Actually, I can still put the unpopped bags in there, and a few kernels pop up, but the rest of it burns. On the upside, I'll probably lose 20 pounds in the next 20 days, just due to the cessation of popcorn intake. (It's called hyperbole. It's not that serious an addiction!) Maybe the apartment people will install a new one, and I can resume consuming my favorite dinner fare: popcorn, sharp cheddar cheese, and Tropicana orange juice. I'm such an epicure.

My favorite little item from the last few days comes from my 'mate, Matt, and a conversation with Allie, and a little creative swirl in myveryown haid. When Matt's ticked at people -- or simply poking fun -- he says "Those people are bastard people!" This makes me giggle a LOT. I told Allie this a while back, and it makes her giggle, too. When we were talking the other night, we used that phrase, "bastard people." I mentioned that the Bastard People are from Bastard Lake, Minnesota. We HOOTED. No, I can not explain to you why this is funny. It just is, or is not. (Beth, I know you're laughing.)

That's what I have for today. Thanks for tuning in!