Crack-Berry

Read up, people.

BlackBerry Orphans

Merry merry merry!

Check here for an update, soon! Promise!

Romantical

Wow. Who remembers this song? OK, someone who listened to country music in the early 90's. Sure. It's so, so, so Romantic. And romantic, too. Ew. The things we think when we're engaged and still LARVA! Also Wynonna Judd still rocks.

Billy was a small town loner
Who never did dream
Of ever leaving southern Arizona
Or ever hearing wedding bells ring
He never had a lot of luck with the ladies
But he sure had a lot of good working skills
Never cared about climbing any ladder
He knew the way in a small cafe, found the will

He met Miss Bonnie
And a little bit of her was a little too much
A few movies and a few months latter
The feeling got strong enough
They didn’t own a car
So it must have been love
That drove him uptown for a diamond
That’s when he started goin’?

(Chorus)

Over the line
Working overtime
To give her things just to hear her say she don’t deserve them
But he loves her and he just kept goin’ overboard
Over the limit to afford to give her things he knew she wanted
cause without her where would he be?
See, its not for him
She is his only need

Ring on her finger and one on the ladder
A new promotion every now and then
Bonnie worked until she couldn’t tie her apron
Then stayed at home and had the first of two children
And my, how the time did fly
The babies grew up and moved away
Left ‘em sitting on the front porch rocking
And Billy watching Bonnie’s hair turn gray

And every once in a while you could see him get up
And he’d head downtown
cause he heard about something she wanted
And it just had to be found
Didn’t matter how simple or how much
It was love
And, boy, ain’t that love just something
When its strong enough to keep a man goin’?

(Chorus)

Happy Dan Mann's Birthday

My VBF and I have not always called our friend Dan on his veryown birthday; however, we do call one another. We met Dan when he was our youth pastor about 100 years ago. We were 14, he was 28 (good.grief.) and we thought he was just about the funniest thing we had ever seen, like, ever. He's still damned hilarious.

This entry was just for me. And Beth.

Love ya!

Excellent point, Mr. Bono.

"The Left mocks the Right. The Right knows it's right. Two ugly traits. How far should we go to try to understand each other's point of view? Maybe the distance grace covered on the cross is a clue."

Bono, lead singer of U2

Possible reasons I may not be doing as well at work as we'd once hoped:

A.) Information revealed in the chart below.
B.) The fact that I created this during work hours.

overheardintheoffice.com

My own personal variety of the material found on Overheard:


[Driving down the highway. Passing a sign for Osceola, MO.]

Jenny: Oh, look, it's Osceola!

Stacey: Isn't that an animal?

Jenny [snorting]: No, that's an oscelot.

This "parenthood" thing is treacherous.

And we don't even have a child! We have a DOG, people. A little puppy. Who got the parvo virus. Who had to go to the doggie hospital for two days. Who thankfully recovered. Who then ate some wood. And some fringe. And started thowing up again. Who thankfully recovered. Who is at home sleeping in his little crate with his head on his stuffed animal friend Melvin.

My parents say this is why the Lord makes the babies and the puppies so adorable. Because we would send them back if they weren't.

New Fambly Member!

Welcome, Puck! (or, possibly, another name if we get real fired up about something else.) Puck came to our house today, because what we thought would be the smartest thing is:

1.) Buy new couch.
2.) Adopt a puppy.

PUPPYDOODLES!!

(Please note that you can't really comprehend the cuteness factor from this one shot. You can't tell how teeeeeeee-tiny he is!)

p.s., Sorry to those on RSS for the multiple publishings.

I don't know this guy, but I adore him just the same.

You may or may not have read about the recent near-sale of the Picasso called "Le Rêve." I hadn't, until my friend Michele sent it to me just a moment ago. The former owner of The Bellagio in Las Vegas is now the owner of another grand hotel and resort named after, well, him. The Wynn, apparently is the height of luxury and culture including both amazing food AND a Renoir and a Matisse hanging above the desks of secretaries in Steve Wynn's offices.

Apparently, according to Nora Ephron, he had just finalized a $139 million deal with a purchaser, and was telling his friends (including herself) about the painting. "At that moment, his elbow crashed backward right through the canvas. There was a terrible noise," Ephron wrote, noting that Wynn has retinitis pigmentosa, an eye disease that damages peripheral vision. "Smack in the middle ... was a black hole the size of a silver dollar. 'Oh s---,' he said. 'Look what I've done. Thank goodness it was me.'

He decided to have the painting repaired, keep the painting, and cancel the deal with the purchaser considering the damage that had been done.

The reason I'm relating this all to you is the following, which warms my heart to no end.

A few hours later, they all met up for dinner, and Wynn was in a cheerful mood. “My feeling was, It’s a picture, it’s my picture, we’ll fix it. Nobody got sick or died. It’s a picture. It took Picasso five hours to paint it.”

Way to go Steve Wynn. I don't know you from Adam's housecat, but I WILL be staying at the Wynn next time I'm in Vegas. And I appreciate your perspective. A lot.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Note: After a cursory examination of the prices to stay at The Wynn, I'm just going to encourage my wealthy friends to stay there, as opposed to actually doing it myself, what with the nightly cost being equal to my entire month's rent. Still, even so, love the guy.

Overcome by the cuteness.

LOOK AT MY NEPHEW! Jude is about the cutest thing, ever. Except for maybe his brothers and sister, of course.

To quote my Jenny, "Must.eat.baby!" That's how cute!

Yep, yep.

Sure did do something differently. I unpacked not three, as was my original goal, but SEVEN boxes. Even found homes for most of the stuff in 'em. Hehehe. Also arrived at work 15 minutes earlier (hey, it's a start.)

Thanks for the love, people.

More later; I have to go as there's a man looking at me through binoculars.

Long time, no write.

Did I mention how unbelievably self-absorbed I’ve been lately? I mean, I’ve been so woven around in my own brain that I haven’t even bothered to publish any of my self-obsession to my blog! That’s gotta be some kind of creative neurosis.

I’ve been slugging along (for over an en-tire MONTH) in my semi-unpacked house, waiting for inspiration to strike. Waiting for the motivation to whip it all together and make it shine. Then, I remembered A Few Things I Know. (Oprah has “Things I Know for Sure” or something in her magazine. This is kinda like that. But it’s not.) There are only about a dozen things I’m entirely sure of, and I sure do like to dole out the wisdom to others, and hope they learn from my few little truths. I do frequently forget to apply those truths to myownself. Silly girl.

For example, one Thing I Know is that It’s neither efficient nor effective to make a two-step process out of a one-step process. Let me e’splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: I’ve spent about a month at the new house counting the days until Fridays so that I can be free to do whatever I please away from the office, only to spend a good portion of the weekend avoiding “work” some more. Consequently, there are still many unpacked boxes to be observed and lamented. Just unpack them, girl. It doesn’t even hurt! The two-step process in my head is: 1.) Get motivated. 2.) Unpack. See how the motivation portion of the program just isn’t necessary? Unpacking is. Et voila! One-step process.

Another Thing I Know is that It’s a sure sign of insanity when you do the same thing every day and expect a different result. Yeah, that one’s not original, but it’s true as Mondays suck. I keep going to my place of work every day, everything stays the same on the corporate front, I shift and shift and shift my attitude, I realize that DUR, I really DON’T belong at a desk in front of a computer, and yet I keep going every day. Every day I go in, as late as is allowable by law and yet still be on time, congratulating myself for not A.) burning my house to the ground, 4.) calling in sick/fat/disinterested, and Q.) forgetting to take a shower. And every night I desire (but obviously do not intend) to go home and do some unpacking, painting, laundry, walking around the neighborhood, stuff like that, but instead go home and sit on the couch and be thankful that I’m no longer at my desk at work.

There are a few ways to correct this insanity-driven behavior. (I believe I’ll try them all!) Just for starters, I’m going to stop pretending that I’ll feel refreshed and ready to accomplish some things after a little nap. Um, yeah. Hi, I’m Stacey and I cannot be trusted with comfortable, horizontal surfaces. When I nap I’m down for a one-hour minimum duration, and nothing is going to change that. (Except having children and we’re not ready for that sort of rodeo just yet, thanks.)

After admitting Therapy Naps really do not help much, I really should just dive right in and admit that Therapy Eating doesn’t really help much, either. It helps me feel comforted for 10 minute durations, and then consequently adds to the insanity-driven behavior. (“Ugh, I feel very tired – probably because I just consumed 6000 grams of carbohydrates – and I need to have a bit of a nap.”) Can you say “vicious cycle”?

Which brings me to another Thing I Know: Right actions precede right feelings. Therefore, I’m going to go to work before the latest moment allowed by law, remain awake and active, campaign enthusiastically for a new job, accomplish some things at home, put my stamp on my new home, CALL MY FRIENDS, and get a grip. Yeah, get a grip. That always works.

I don’t particularly like admitting these things. I fear that it will make me seem weak. And I am SURE that it admits I’m largely in the same place I’ve been for the last 18 months. I’m still not fit, or suitably-employed, writing or singing regularly. But, today is the day I start doing AT LEAST ONE THING PER DAY to change that.

Right actions first. Do something differently. Do it today.

I’ll check in tomorrow with my report of what I’ve done.

Thanks for reading along.

Love and peace.

Once and For All Proof that I'm a Geek

I laughed aloud at this:


"Walking on water and developing software on a specification is easy if both are frozen."

Another Fake Post (for Moving Weekend)

The 40 Questions About Me Meme

Find out more useless facts about me!

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops? Not yet.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? I scream like a wild dog and hold my hands up!

3. When's the last time you've been sledding? Man, way too long. I think since Angola.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone? I love to sleep alone.

5. Do you believe in ghosts? Yes.

6. Do you consider yourself creative? DUR!

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife? In this country, it only matters what the jury thinks.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? Either one is welcome to do my laundry and ironing any time she likes.

9. Do you stay friends with your ex's? Boyfriends? Yes. Husbands? No.

10. Do you know how to play poker? Yes, but I suck at it.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? Yup.

12. What's your favorite commercial? The ones I TiVo through.

13. What are you allergic to? Shellfish and kitties. (I'll let you figure out which one I can't eat and which one I can't breathe near.)

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights? No. I like being alive.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? No.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees? This is a baseball question, right?

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating? Ice skating classes for a few years as a kid.

18. How often do you remember your dreams? At least once a week.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried? Within the last 10 days.

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles? Yes.

21. What's the one thing on your mind now? How much I have left to pack.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is? Yup.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt? Yes.

24. What cell service do you use? Verizon.

25. Do you like Sushi? I wish I did!

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident? Yes.

27. What do you wear to bed? My lovely, dark tan birthday suit.

28. Been caught stealing? Nope.

29. What shoe size do you have? I wear a six, but a seven feels so good I buy an eight.

30. Do you truly hate anyone? I'm very, very close to hate with one person. I might need to adjust that a skosh.

31. Classic Rock or Rap? ROCK N ROLL, bay-bee.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be? I already said I don't like sleeping with others. Wait, you mean sex? Um, that Jason guy from the Transporter - is that his name?

33. Favorite Song? Changes weekly.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? Regularly.

35. What food do you find disgusting? Brains.

36. Do you sing in the shower? Yes.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"? When I was a child? Naw.

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back? No, and I'll kick your ass if you do.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? Yes.

40. Have you ever been punched in the face? No way.

The Dreaded Tag!

My Dadness tagged me, here. So, I guess I'd better play! Um, not that I mind -- I'm into these things!

1. One book that changed your life: Just one? OK, A New Kind of Christian, Brian McClaren.

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: The Prince of Tides, Pat Conroy. (PLEASE, do not see the movie. Read the book.)

3. One book that you'd want on a desert island: The Bible. I actually like the RSV.

4. One book that made you laugh: The Sweet Potato Queens’ Book of Love, Jill Conner Browne.

5. One book that made you cry: Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell. I shrieked with glee, hugged the book, laughed, cried, and did a happy dance.

6. One book that you wish had been written: How to Differentiate Between Puritainism and Christianity.

7. One book you wish had never been written: I, too, vote for the Left Behind series.

8. One book you are currently reading: The History of Love: A Novel, Nicole Krauss

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: A Generous Orthodoxy: Why I Am a Missional, Evangelical, Post/Protestant, Liberal/Conservative, Mystical/Poetic, Biblical, Charismatic/Contemplative, Fundamentalist/Calvinist, Anabaptist/Anglican, Methodist, Catholic, Green, Incarnational, Depressed-yet-Hopeful, Emergent, Unfinished CHRISTIAN, Brian D. McLaren

Thanks, Ralph.

Beware when the great God lets loose a thinker on this planet.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Sautéed in Wrong Sauce

RockStar is back on the air. Last season's RockStar INXS was a blast, and RockStar Supernova is gaining points with me, too. This year's band members are Gilby Clark, Tommy Lee, and Jason Newstead. All excellent rockers, to be sure.

Not anyone that I might automatically assume is hilarious or eloquent.

Indeed, I did NOT think I'd ever find Tommy Lee funny. How.ever, the phrase "Sautéed in wrong sauce" just does it for me. After what I thought was a nasty, sexy performance of (of all songs) I Will Survive by Storm Large, that was Tommy's review. "That was just Sautéed in Wrong Sauce!"

You know I'll be adding that to my repertoire.

Not a Real Post

I'm a Ferrari 360 Modena!

You've got it all. Power, passion, precision, and style. You're sensuous, exotic, and temperamental. Sure, you're expensive and high-maintenance, but you're worth it.

"Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

Giant Buckets of Poo

Some things are meant to be. Divorce is not one of those things. Personally, I can recommend not having one, since I've had TWO. Sometimes, they are oh.so.necessary.

For those of you suffering the pain of this massive crap-cake, know that I adore you and that it is totally surmountable. Also for those of you who are suffering, know that you WILL STOP SUFFERING sooner than you think. The creator is completely able to heal up your heart and send you out to do beautiful things.

Know that you are loved from every corner of the universe and that giant buckets of crap will not be your constant companion.

Fun With Blogthings

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

New Band

Many people at my work are confused as to the eternal importance of programming. They think it matters. They all play in a band called "Laboring Under Unfortunate Illusions" and this is their logo:

Stolen from Others

The words in this post came from this link is on Dooce's front page. They made me laugh more than anything I personally wrote this morning, so, we'll just paste them here, shall we? Good idea.

THE 27 WORST FAMILY FEUD ANSWERS EVER
compiled by Tom Elia

I've always been fascinated by groups of five people who try to guess what 100 randomly selected people have said for a chance to win $10,000, which they'll split between themselves before splitting it again with the government. Which will leave each of them with about $32.87 for their troubles.

I've also been fascinated by how one of those five people will crack under the pressure and cost everyone else on their team a chance to walk away with $32.87.

As a result, I've polled 100 people to find the best "worst" answers ever given on Family Feud. The top 27 answers are on the board.

Question: Name a former President that most people would say is honest.
#1 Answer: Lincoln
Worst Answers: Nixon

Question: Besides San Francisco, name a city that begins with the word San.
#1 Answer: San Diego
Worst Answer: Seattle

Question: Name a slang term used for important people.
#1 Answer: V.I.P.
Worst Answer: Buddy

Question: Name something packrats have a hard time throwing out.
#1 Answer: Photos
Worst Answer: Corn

Question: Name something that might annoy a gardener.
#1 Answer: Bugs
Worst Answer: Not getting paid on time

Question: Name a reason a man might send his wife flowers.
#1 Answer: Anniversary
Worst Answer: Happy divorce

Question: Name a term used in football.
#1 Answer: Touchdown
Worst Answer: Fastbreak

Question: Name a special request people ask for when making a dinner reservation.
#1 Answer: Non-smoking
Worst Answer: A menu

Question: Name someone you wouldn't want to get a phone call from.
#1 Answer: The police
Worst Answer: Your son

Question: Name a classical music composer everyone knows.
#1 Answer: Mozart
Worst Answer: Julio Inglesias

Question: Tell me something specific you should drink a lot of when you're sick.
#1 Answer: Water
Worst Answer: Alcohol

Question: Name something you'd hate to find at the end of your nose.
#1 Answer: Pimple
Worst Answers: Lint

Question: Name the worst kind of shoe to run a marathon in.
#1 Answer: High heels
Worst Answer: Scuba flippers
Louie Anderson's Response: If it's up there... I'll be suprised.

Question: Name something a person wouldn't want living in their house.
#1 Answer: Relatives
Worst Answer: Mold

Question: Name a musician who goes by one name.
#1 Answer: Madonna
Worst Answer: Reba McIntyre
Louie Anderson's Response: Show me the strike.

Question: Name something you'd buy for more than a thousand dollars.
#1 Answer: House
Worst Answer: Pleasure equipment
Louie Anderson's Response: I'm afraid to ask what that means.

Question: Name something you think would be difficult about being a waiter.
#1 Answer: Taking orders
Worst Answer: Falling down

Question: Name something a woman would find in her boyfriend's apartment that would make her think he was cheating.
#1 Answer: Bra
Worst Answer: Used condom

Question: Name something a teenage boy can do for hours at a time.
#1 Answer: Video games
Worst Answer: Masturbate
Louie Anderson's Response: I knew somebody would say it.

Question: Name a unit of currency used in a country other than the US.
#1 Answer: Peso
Worst Answer: Ampere

Question: Name a reason why a woman might not want to kiss her boyfriend.
#1 Answer: Bad breath
Worst Answers: She doesn't love him that much

Question: Name something you do in front of your husband that you probably never did when you were dating.
#1 Answer: Undress
Worst Answer: Make out
Louie Anderson's Response: With somebody else?

Question: Name a complaint you might have about the pizza that was just delivered.
#1 Answer: It's cold
Worst Answers: It went to the wrong address
Louie Anderson's Response: And you just happened to be there.

Question: Name an animal many people are scared of.
#1 Answer: Snake
Worst Answer: Boar
Louie Anderson's Response: It's terrifying.

Question: Name something you need to play Scrabble.
#1 Answer: Letters
Worst Answer: Dice
Louie Anderson's Response: Where did you learn to play Scrabble?

Question: Name the age when a man might start to lose a lot of hair.
#1 Answer: 30
Worst Answer: 14

Question: Name the best month to schedule a wedding.
#1 Answer: June
Worst Answer: Summer

FABU Fourth, my Friends.

In case you were wondering, this is how you do it:

With the love of your life, drive up to your VBF’s house in beautiful rural area of Indiana. Pile out of the car, hug everyone in sight. Commence chatting, brokering fireworks purchases, watching ZILLIONS of fireflies, igniting fireworks, making caramel and chocolate sauces, watching animated movies, eating “entirely adequate” Mexican food, and kissing/chasing/hugging/taking pictures of babies. Read all kinds of interesting things your VBF has written and contributed to. Talk with her about your favorite memories, fears, and hopes for the next phase of your life. Listen with delight when she tells you how awesome her husband is. Smile constantly for the next 24 hours when you hear the very sage, and completely accurate advice she gave the loveofyourlife about thriving in an Erickson-Dominated environment. Wish for the thousandth time that you lived next door to her and awesome husband and delightful children.

And, these, my friends, are just the bare outlines. I also got to catch up with other dear friends on the phone, sleep well, swim, get some sun, get kissed, and have a little bit of peace.

It rarely gets any better.

Below, see pictures of my littler nephews, Simon who put himself in a cubby in the kitchen and Jude who we tried really hard to pack in a grocery bag to take home!

Quizlet, Version 7

Name:
Stacey/Tasty

Birthday:
August 2

Birthplace:
Pax River, MD

Current Location:
Indianapolis, IN

Eye Color:
Only brown.

Hair Color:
Ferria, Espresso

Height:
5'7"

Right Handed or Left Handed:
Right

Your Heritage:
Portuguese and Swedish

The Shoes You Wore Today:
Flip Flops

Your Weakness:
dark chocolate, ice cream, most foods

Your Fears:
screwing it up, again.

Your Perfect Pizza:
mushrooms, olives, extra cheese

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:
go on vacation ( ditto Mary, Allie.)

Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
n/a

Thoughts First Waking Up:
must.pee.now.

Your Best Physical Feature:
porn-star eyelashes

Your Bedtime:
whenever i wanna

Your Most Missed Memory:
goofing off/not working

Pepsi or Coke:
Coke

McDonalds or Burger King:
Neither.

Single or Group Dates:
single

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:
I don't drink fake tea -- me either, Al.

Chocolate or Vanilla:
Both, please

Cappuccino or Coffee:
either as long as it's not fake

Do you Smoke:
no

Do you Swear:
fuck yeah

Do you Sing:
yes

Do you Shower Daily:
yes

Have you Been in Love:
yes

Do you want to go to College:
did it.

Do you want to get Married:
obviously wanted to at some point. i've done it twice.

Do you belive in yourself:
98% of the time.

Do you get Motion Sickness:
nope

Do you think you are Attractive:
yes.

Are you a Health Freak:
no.

Do you get along with your Parents:
yup.

Do you like Thunderstorms:
yes

Do you play an Instrument:
no, sadly

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:
yes

In the past month have you Smoked:
nope

In the past month have you been on Drugs:
just presciptions

In the past month have you gone on a Date:
yeah

In the past month have you gone to a Mall:
yeah

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
no

In the past month have you eaten Sushi:
yes

In the past month have you been on Stage:
no

In the past month have you been Dumped:
no

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:
no

In the past month have you Stolen Anything:
no

Ever been Drunk:
of course not!!!

Ever been called a Tease:
surprisingly, yes.

Ever been Beaten up:
no

Ever Shoplifted:
no

How do you want to Die:
At age 94, after arriving home from a trip to Paris with my girls.

What do you want to be when you Grow Up:
Like I know this. I am pretty sure I need to be a speaker.

What country would you most like to Visit:
Italy

In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:
depends on who the eyes belong to

Favourite Hair Color:
dark

Short or Long Hair:
short

Height:
i like tall, but just taller than me is enough

Weight:
i like big guys

Best Clothing Style:
clean and comfy

Number of Drugs I have taken:
1

Number of CDs I own:
too many

Number of Piercings:
4 in left ear, 3 in right

Number of Tattoos:
2

Number of things in my Past I Regret:
two or three

That Birthday Thing for My Mom

OK, so for my mom's 60th birthday, my brother and I did a book of "60 Important Things Char Taught Us" for her. I put up a few slides on May 12 (the big day), but now here are the rest. Not in slide format, just the sentences. Enjoy!

· How to make chocolate chip cookies nutritious by putting wheat germ in the cookie batter.
· How to make extra money and friends by running a macramé business out of part of your son’s bedroom.
· How to pack a lunch for a grade school kid including applesauce and carrot sticks in appropriately-sized Tupperware containers.
· How to direct an unbelievably fun, song-filled, tick-infested summer Girl Scout Day Camp using only your close friends and bits of twine.
· How to make a new house comfortable and homey within approximately four days of moving in.
· How to keep doing that every two years for an entire military career.
· How to make every opportunity a teaching moment… filling up the ice cube trays, for example.
· What it takes to make your kids believe that your family is the most important thing in the world.
· What it’s like to have a mom who respects your dad.
· How to do whatever it takes, regardless of your sex.
· How to be unafraid to take a road trip. A real long one.
· How to avoid spilling your coffee while pulling your child out of the campfire.
· How to make city quail.
· How to be your kids’ mom when they’re young so that you can be their friend once they grow up.
· The proper use of the phrase, “You know what you ought to do…”
· How to star in the prototype of the HGTV designer decorator show, “Design on a Dime.”
· That feet do not belong on the walls.
· How to keep the memories but throw away the yearbooks.
· That it is not necessary to touch the curtains. Like, ever.
· The proper pronunciation of the word “foyer”.
· How to successfully entertain with stale popcorn and flat Coke.
· That Scrabble is a good national pastime and an even better family tradition.
· That it’s a good idea to make new family traditions, like enchiladas on Christmas day.
· That changing the tradition will not always be as well-received as you’d once hoped.
· That there really are very few situations in life that can’t be helped by sufficient applications of laughter.
· That fingers do not belong in the candle wax.
· That food cooked while camping just tastes better.
· How build a fire in a church parking lot, cook a pancake over that fire, and then flip said pancake over a line.
· How to make the most of being a stay-at-home-mom by, among other things, taking young moms and their twins to the doctor’s office.
· That pretty much anything can be accomplished with a focused trip to the fabric store.
· That it is perfectly okay for the dog to live in one room of the house.
· How to hang in there with your kids when they’re breaking your heart.
· How to maintain sanity with a certain degree of patience. And a hell of a lot of prayer.
· Whatever it is that happened so that we’re fairly sure that we’re the only four cool people on the planet.
· The proper use of the phrase, “You know what you ought to do…”
· How to be sure it’s clean behind the sink by looking in the mirror.
· How to refrain from buying stuff that could easily be made for 1/10 the cost.
· The proper use of the phrase, “You know what you ought to do…”
· How to make wallpaper out of a king-sized sheet.
· How to sing “If You’ll Be M-I-N-E Mine, I’ll be T-H-I-N-E Thine,” with gusto, before discovering you’re a tenor.
· How to pull off a major surprise party for your spouse. (Complete with boob-shaped ice cube trays.)
· How to teach a parakeet to say, “David! David!” without even trying.
· The healing power of M*A*S*H.
· The sheer silliness of The Young and The Ridiculous and The Bold and The Bodacious.
· How to manage a household, a Girl Scout troop, a Cub Scout den, a Christmas cookie exchange, a supper club, being a room mother, and countless friendships at one time.
· The art of the timely thank you note.
· The value of remembering everyone with a card or a note for every single important (or even everyday event) in their lives.
· How to train up a child in the way he should go so that when he is older he will not depart from it.
· That right actions always precede right feelings.
· That crying is OK, but that it doesn’t necessarily get you what you’re looking for.
· That you’re probably going to have at least one kid who will leave messages saying, “I was here; come and get me.”
· That it’s perfectly fine to have more Christmas decorations than any dozen people you know.
· That sleeping all day really isn’t the best way to get things done.
· That assigning actions to people, on a committee or in a family, really is a pretty good way to get things done.
· How to talk your child off the proverbial ledge during her freshman year at college. 782 times.
· How to maintain a spiritual commitment, even in the face of nasty politics and the less-than-optimal preaching of the minister of helpful hints.
· How to embody hospitality.
· What the answer to years of prayer can look like.
· How to build a neighborhood using a 4th of July parade, some beer, and a bunch of women’s clothing.
· The proper use of the phrase, “You know what you ought to do…”

Thanks to Lola and Pandora

I have "discovered" the following artists. Who knew I liked anything other than Jason Mraz??

Go to Pandora and discover new music for yourownself!

Jeffrey Gaines
The Saw Doctors
Amos Lee
Alice Peacock
Tyrone Wells
The New Amsterdams
Dashboard Confessional
Peter Wolf
The Transcenders
Richard Page
Sister Hazel
Train
Brendan Benson
Scott Hinkson
Kalan Porter
Dispatch

I DID bring you a monkey!

Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimon!

JZZZZZZZHUDE!

Lookit my lil' nephew!

Trip Down Amnesia Lane

Tina and I are especially fond of the "Perhaps she'll die!" line. We'll let you guess why!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was an old woman who swallowed a fly.
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a bird--
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a cat
Imagine that! She swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird--
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a dog
Oh, what a hog to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat
Imagine that! She swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird
How absurd to swallow a bird
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a goat.
She opened her mouth and it went down her throat.
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog--
Oh, what a hog to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
Imagine that! She swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird--
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a cow--
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed a cow to catch the goat.
She opened her mouth and it went down her throat.
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog--
Oh, what a hog to swallow a dog!
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat.
Imagine that! She swallowed a cat.
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird--
How absurd to swallow a bird!
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider
That wriggled and wriggled and jiggled inside her.
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed a fly --
Perhaps she'll die!

There was an old woman who swallowed a horse...
She died, of course!

Post Number 200 Should be About Language

This is extra-funny because I've been living in the Midwest for over 20 years!

Your Linguistic Profile::

60% General American English

20% Yankee

10% Upper Midwestern

5% Dixie

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Latest in Brilliant T-Shirt Design

That Oprah

"Every day, passion speaks to us through our feelings. That's why when you allow yourself to become anesthetized by what others think, you literally block yourself from living the life you were called to live. I promise you that if you make a choice that doesn't please your mate, your friends, your mother, or whomever, the world will not fall apart. The people who truly love you want you to love yourself. And as you become clearer about who you really are, you'll be better able to decide what is best for you, the first time around."

Oprah Winfrey

Thanks, Kristin for posting that. And the rest of your post today was great, as well!

Band Names and More Famous Quotes

Remember this? It's where we discussed hilarious band names. I found some more today!

Rainbow Intestine
Rigormortis Gang
Shoelace Magician
Afro-Sheen Mania
The Moucous Boys
Dragonbreath
Fishrot on Our Shoes
Leghair Sandwich
Bucket-o-Slop
Shaven Eyebrow
Bamboo Fingernail
Rastafarian Hurricaine
Decaying Membranes
Starvation Plus!
Clammy Hangnail

and (don't read if you're squeamish)

Afterbirth Casserole.

We were SICK teenagers.

And some fabulous quotes from our Junior year of college:

• "I know that this came from somwhere deep within the sea." --VBF
• "I love you so much; let's have some coffee." (Referring to the General Foods International Coffee commercials and their stupidity.) -- Fiance of VBF, Steve
• (Describing a dress one of VBF's sorority sisters had worn to a dance) "It was the kind of green you only see on a float." -- Steve

Love and God

Last Sunday morning, a wonderful ensemble of singers called "One Voice" performed "There Are No Orphans of God" in the service. WOW, I tell you. Wow. I wish I could replicate the beauty of it here, but for now, I just have to go with the lyrics.

I thought it was particularly fitting, as it was Gay Pride weekend in Indianapolis, and the gay people I know and adore have often felt like orphans of God because they had gone unloved by His church.


Orphans of God

Who here among us has not been broken
Who here among us is without guilt or pain
So oft’ abandoned by our transgressions
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

There are no strangers
There are no outcasts
There are no orphans of God
So many fallen, but hallelujah
There are no orphans of God

Come ye unwanted and find affection
Come all ye weary, come and lay down your head
Come ye unworthy, you are my brother
If such a thing as grace exists
Then grace was made for lives like this

O blessed Father, look down upon us
We are Your children, we need Your love
We run before Your throne of mercy
And seek Your face to rise above

From Whence the Snippets Came

My last two posts have come from this rambly thing I wrote. I wanted my VBF and my Nummas (esp. Christel in this case) to know where I am, exactly 24 months after Releasing the Vacuous Beast Back Into the Wild.

Here you go.


Some things we have within us when we’re born. Some things we build within ourselves so that our own lives can be better. Some things we build within ourselves so that we can survive crushing circumstances. Some things we could build within ourselves, but we choose not to do so. And, in some cases, we are unaware that we are able to build those things within ourselves.

I believe that the Lord created me a specific way to (among other things) see what I might do with what I had. I came equipped with the following things programmed into my DNA: brilliance, verbosity, emotionality, passion, seriousness, and teach-ability. I also believe that, with lots of help and love, I have added characteristics I wanted to my personality. I’ve changed into some one who is ever-so-slightly more emotionally controlled, is lots of fun, is funny, is adventurous, is really quite brave, is somewhat easygoing, is aware of many of her faults and makes an effort to change them, is a good motivator of others, is absolutely FULL of faith, and is a spectacular friend. Honestly, I truly believe that we don’t have to go out and “find ourselves”. We get to “make ourselves”. For me, that was deciding the kind of person I wanted to be, and making myself into that person. Yes, of course, I had tons of help along the way and an amazing family from which to start. Yes. But, ask the family. I wasn’t always happy, or confident, or fun. It’s public knowledge that I didn’t grow a sense of humor until I was about 20. And I wasn’t the teensiest bit comfortable with my body until I was, say, 35.

When I was a child, I couldn’t be teased without crying. When I was a teenager, I was so self-conscious that I rarely went to school without shedding a few tears of embarrassment before I ever got there. There were days that I tried to stay home due to a bad hair day. When I look at the pictures now, I’m thoroughly amazed … I was gorgeous. And I had no idea. As a young adult I was *so* frustrated all the time that if I was carrying too many things and I dropped some or all of them? Disaster! Tears and anger were the usual results. I vividly recall being that Stacey, and it really wasn’t very much fun. It had its good points – good friends, good family, confidence in my intelligence – but not much else. Not ONE TERRIBLE THING happened to me until I was an adult. But I walked around acting like everything was terrible. I’d have told you I had bad luck and several problems.

When I did grow up, I married someone I considered my best friend. He and I were crazy-happy and did everything together. I still have pictures of that courtship that make me smile because of the time of my life. As you know, I reserved my virginity for marriage; I was flatly rejected after the wedding. There is no possible way to tell you how excruciating that was. I was sure there was something wrong with me. To this day I know that the faithfulness of God is the only way I managed to survive the rejection, the divorce, the loss of my new family, the loss of my entire future as I had imagined it. I believed I was forming a new family by marrying and being rejected by my own family is the most crushing thing I have ever been through.

Then, I remarried. Badly.

Then, the unthinkable happened. My very best friend on the planet lost her son. This is an indescribable loss and Seth wasn’t even mine. I physically ached for Beth for over a year. (Sometimes, I still do.) The loss of this baby was a defining moment in my life. Among other massive changes, from that moment on, most things get compared to that day for clarity. At the end of a day, if I can say, “No one died,” I can consider it a good day.

I had to go through the whole rejection from another family I had formed as yet another marriage ended. My husband didn’t love me, nor was he ever going to try to do so.

Thank God, in the meantime, at the advice of my father, I’d acquired I life I actually loved. I had started choosing to be happy even when it wasn’t simple. I did things that fulfilled me and caused me to grow. It didn’t matter as much that my husband didn’t love me because I knew I was lovable. I had worked on it. I had developed new friendships that nourished me. Met new people that inspired me to be who I had barely imagined I could be. I started to see myself as capable and started doing things to prove it. I planned and executed ideas, projects, and road trips. I took truth from wherever I found it and made it my own. This is when I started to wake up.

Staying wide awake has been my driving force ever since.

As a result of all this, I have some things that I am unable to offer. I am unable to offer you a fresh, new, undamaged heart. I don’t have one of those. I am unable to offer you innocence and newness of soul. I can’t offer you a person who will live in “survival mode” for long periods of time. I already know that it is necessary to accept and integrate the horrific things so that one can push past them and gain strength from the experience.

Also as a result, I have some things that enthusiastically offer. I offer the companionship and love of someone who has experienced some terrible things and lived to laugh about (most of) them. I offer a mind that will look for a new solution to an old problem. I offer someone who knows that the phrase, “There are two sides to every story” is crap. There are at least 12 sides to every story and at least that many solutions to every problem. I offer you someone who, because I have been someplace dark, knows that it’s totally possible to go someplace light again. I offer enthusiasm for consciousness, learning new things, going new places, and resting periodically. I offer an insatiable appetite for color, texture, taste, words, scenery, meaning, and experience.

I say “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” because the worst that can happen either A.) probably won’t, or B.) already has. And it’s all survivable. Every damn bit of it. Circumstances are not the whole story; they never are. When I say, “It will be okay, I promise” it’s from a position of ABSOLUTE FAITH, and not a position of blithe positive thinking. I have absolute faith that when it’s time, the answer will be provided. Failure is not always failure. Falling down and getting back up is the vital work of life. On the other hand, staying seated makes falling down and getting back up utterly impossible.

I also offer you someone who only knows about three things for sure, and will just try my damnedest to stay awake to learn the rest of what is available for me to learn.

I humbly offer you the challenge to keep up with me.

Stuff I'm thinking about:

I say “What’s the worst thing that can happen?” because the worst that can happen either A.) probably won’t, or B.) already has. And it’s all survivable. Every damn bit of it. Circumstances are not the whole story; they never are. When I say, “It will be okay, I promise” it’s from a position of ABSOLUTE FAITH, and not a position of blithe positive thinking. I have absolute faith that when it’s time, the answer will be provided. Failure is not always failure. Falling down and getting back up is the vital work of life. On the other hand, staying seated makes falling down and getting back up utterly impossible.

Something I Believe

Some things we have within us when we’re born. Some things we build within ourselves so that our own lives can be better. Some things we build within ourselves so that we can survive crushing circumstances. Some things we could build within ourselves, but we choose not to do so. And, in some cases, we are unaware that we are able to build those things within ourselves.

The sort of thing that makes me laugh:

I'm not sure of the veracity of the story, but it makes me laugh. So, here. Enjoy.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and pilots then review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots (P) and the solutions recorded (M) by maintenance engineers. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
M: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode .

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

And the best for last:

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from midget.

Geek Alert!

RHYMING DICTIONARY! OMG!

FYI

lugubrious

One entry found for lugubrious.

Main Entry: lu·gu·bri·ous
Pronunciation: lu-'gü-brE-&s also -'gyü-
Function: adjective

Etymology: Latin lugubris, from lugEre to mourn; akin to Greek lygros mournful

1 : MOURNFUL; especially : exaggeratedly or affectedly lugubrious brooding -- V. S. Pritchett>

2 : DISMAL

-lu·gu·bri·ous·ly adverb

-lu·gu·bri·ous·ness noun

So cute I had to do it again.

Raise your hand if you know where I got her name!

Gratitude

You know what's crazy? Sometimes, even though I'm outrageously blessed, living like I'm truly grateful is hard work.

I mean, COME ON, I live in.doors. Where there's air conditioning! I have a clean, comfortable bed. I actually have to diet because I have had too much to eat for most of my adult life. I'm employed, with health insurance, and a 401(k). I have, truly, the most wonderful friends in the history of recorded time. I have a family that is beyond wonderful.

GOOD GRIEF.

I also have a work situation that I'm somehow allowing to sap my happy.

Here's what I need:

A.) You, over there, make me laugh!
B.) Recommend something fabulous for a job search idea.
C.) Pray for me (or, if you don't pray, do whatcha do) to not only maintain my gratitude, but to demonstrate it. At work, even.
D.) Offer me a job.
E.) See "C" above.

Thanks. Mean it.

Happy Birthday, Mommy!

Today is my mother's birthday. I can't tell you anything more than I told her, so I'm going to share with you the first few pages of the book my brother and I put together for her birthday. She's amazing.

Wanna hear it? Here it go.

Quotes from the Asylum

Since I've been on this ginormous information technology project at work, I've collected some quotes. I share them with you now. NB: Each line is a new quote and will not have anything to do with the one before it. Oh! I almost forgot, I have a few quotes in here from friends who are simply cleverashell and are not part of my work crowd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just because you're late doesn't mean I'm ready.

I'm talking out of the side of my neck.

They want it to happen automagically. I'm going to need them to help with the magic part.

Harrass where appropriate.

Escalation is like sunshire here.

The party doesn't end.

It's right up there in the OHMYGAWD stages.

It's worse than "find the needle." It's "put the hay back in order."

It was nothing if not at the UNIX level.

Too many users; too much access.

I can walk off the plan and catch on FIRE. It don't mattah! (Regarding going on vacation.)

Get to crackin!

Put that Blue Hat clear down over your ears! (Regarding wearing the "analytical hat" the job requries.)

Dude's making like a thousand dollars an hour. (Regarding consultants.)

You're gonna have to Hog On. (She meant "Log On.")

If you'd like to look at all the old virgins... (She meant "versions".)

You obviously have the visual version of my auditory problem.

I was going to be nice; then I remembered I didn't like her.

We've been people-watching lately. Well, because it's free.

I looked like a Bajoran. (Regarding an eyebrow-waxing accident.)

There's going to be a body in the stairwell! (Regarding a new supervisor.)

His boat has taken on a lot of water.

There you go ma'am. There's your side of beef.

(Regarding work) That's the first time I've told anybody "no" in 6 1/2 years. That felt pretty good!

It's never good when you see Insanity coming down the conveyor belt.

This job sure makes me want some tequila.

James Joyce is like fruitcake: dense and epic.

So, I had the dog's knees removed while I was in Paris.

(In response to some instructions I'd written... I meant "Click the FIND button". I wrote "Lick the FIND button.") Uh, Stacey, I'm not sure how to proceed, here.

We push a rock up a hill just so it can sit up there next to the other rocks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sadly, that last quote defines our business practices! GAH! What good stuff have you heard lately? And, do you walk around with a little pad of paper and a pen writing down what people say, too? Or is that just my own personal hobby?

One day soon, I will write again.

Until then...

My New Pet

Nibblet likes to play. Click to see his tricks!

adopt your own virtual pet!

The Results

Hopefully, you've read my VBF's account of my nephew's antics. If not, go now. I'll wait.

As a tribute to his fabulous sense of humor -- the exact same one his mother has -- I made him this t-shirt. She assures me he will wear it with pride.

I LOVE being the Aunt Tasty!

Easter Message from God

Via Anne Lamott, who I sound JUST LIKE in my head. Though, I'm fairly certain I should just write like, say, Stacey Erickson, and that more often. In any case, this was tooooooo good not to pass on:

BY ANNE LAMOTT | I love the heady cruelty of spring. The cloud shows in the first weeks of the season are wonderfully adolescent: "I'm happy!" "I'm mad, I'm brooding." "I'm happy -- now I'm going to cry ..." The skies and the weather toy with us, refusing to let us settle back down into the steady sleepy days and nights of winter.

But above all, this is a big time of year for my Jesus-y people, these days and nights when we celebrate the birth, death and resurrection of our darling Jesus. So when I am doing radio interviews, I get much crankier crank calls -- half from people who think Jesus was a nice man, a shaman, a New Age guy who probably would have dated Linda Evans if He'd come back during her heyday; and half from fundamentalists who say I am not any kind of real Christian at all and am going to rot in hell for all eternity. I thank all my cranky callers for sharing, and I say, "Hey, you know the difference between you and God? God never thinks He's you." Then I get on with celebrating.

People who think we Christians are idiots or delusional for our beliefs get hung up on the Good Friday part -- the part where Jesus is suffering, everyone is bad, God is mad. I try not to bog down in it, though, and not because of what Lenny Bruce said, that if Christ had been killed in the modern era, we Christians would be wearing electric-chair charms on chains around our necks. It's because I got sober, against all odds, and then I started hanging out with people who were trying to get sober too, and over time I got to watch a number of the walking dead come back to life -- as I came back to life. So I believe in the basic Christian message: that life happens, death happens and then new life happens. I believe in resurrection. So sue me. Or go read something else.

Veronica, our pastor, said the other day that Jesus' promise was not that he was going to try and patch up our old raggedy-assed lives, but that he wanted to give us new life. Now, this is not what I would do, personally, if I were anyone's savior. I would at least try spackle, caulking, dry cleaning fluid. Maybe some nice new furnishings to hide the bare spots in the rug, the water-stained walls; some chemicals to kill off the dust-mite ashrams in the old sofa. But Jesus says, as Veronica put it, you can't get to the good stuff without killing off the old stuff. And death and dying, hanging out with the dying and grieving the dead, and grieving the losses along the way, is where this process most often happens.

When you give up all hope, you're probably only giving up the hope of getting your own outcome to happen. You're probably only giving up the hope that it will turn out that you actually have lots of power and input; that you are secretly God's West Coast representative. But it was when I was hopeless, caught in desperation and grief, that I got humble, teachable, willing to surrender.

Of course, I grew up with an older brother, so to me surrender means you get your face ground in the dirt. It means you get noogies on your upper arm and then you have to go downstairs and get him oranges. But surrender to God means you come over to the winning side. A synonym for "surrender" is "yield," which means, agriculturally, to step aside and let something grow.

There's a poem I love about death by R.S. Thomas called "This to do," which goes:

I have this that I must do
One day; overdraw on my balance
of air, and breaking the surface
of water go down into the green
Darkness to search for the door
to myself in dumbness and blindness
and uproar of scared blood
At the eardrums. There are no signposts
there but bones of the dead
Conger, no light but the pale
phosphorus, where the slow corpses
Swag. I must go down with poor
Purse of my body and buy courage,
Paying for it with the coins of my breath.

Two friends died recently after long illnesses. Both were aware that they were closing up shop, although I think both were caught by surprise at how quickly the end came. But they had been talking about it with their friends for some time, trying to die as consciously as they had tried to live, so they had been in training, as if for a 10K race. And when this is the case, it seems that in the months and weeks and days and then hours before death, beginning to die is about breaking the surface.

It's like swimming underwater until your air is gone, then popping your head out of the water for a breath. It's like a baby in the birth canal, inching toward the outside world, and then crowning.

This process, and this poem, are about giving up the dubious comfort of the earthly, of human appearances where everything works or seems to. It's about giving up on the superficial, in order to go way down below. It's about the willingness or necessity of being wiped out of what you think holds you together, to face a benevolent annihilation, without all the stuff that you think defines you, the stuff where we live, which we think is reality. Because you have to give up some false stuff to get to the true.

I think it is a terrible system. I think they should let you have your true authentic healed whole self and the cool car. I think you should get to have an awareness of the eternal now and the buns of steel. But as a species, we're pumped full of the longing for more, for better security, to help the race go on, to help the system keep running, and this runs roughshod over the material of the soul. It's much louder and more compelling than the parts of us that are free, that we lived in and were surrounded by when we were in the womb, unattached, full of light.

Jesus said from the cross (OK, so I'm paraphrasing), "Look, you're a human, you're badly wired, you're in desperate need of grace. And you will die, as I am dying up here. But we can surrender: We can commend our spirit into my father's hands. We need to forgive everyone first, though, because we don't want to die angry, like other people I could mention ..." (I love that He didn't name names. I love that Scripture does not read: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do, except for that awful Annie Lamott, who in 2,000 years will usually know exactly what she was doing wrong. But We'll forgive her anyway, because You said to.")

Jesus opened himself up entirely to the fear and suffering even though he would have preferred a little something from Column B. He said, "If it is possible, let this cup pass from me," but he kept his eye on the prize, which was feeling loved by God, which is new life. And he let people he loved keep him company in his suffering, which is about as radical a concept as I can imagine. I don't want people's company when I have the flu or PMS. But when friends of mine have opened up to this willingness to have companionship at the end of their lives, or when they were losing or had lost a child, which may be the same thing, at some point they found themselves involved with material that enabled them to hook onto something bigger than the grasping, crying "I." They plugged in to all of life that surrounds us, that shimmers with loss and light and movement, the very broth of creation, the salty, the sweet, what's real, the light and the shadows, the blackness, the cold, the streams of warmth, the plankton.

I wish you didn't have to feel so fucking stressed to do this, but you do, because you have to do it when you're not acting. It happens when you're raw, in grief and withdrawal, when you have to shut down into the depths so entirely. Catastrophe puts us in the situation of thinking, "This is so shitty and I hate this so much, but if I hang out here without armor or drugs or my old patterns, being here will shine a dark light onto the garish distracting stuff, and then past it, to what is maybe true."

Being at the end of your rope is usually what it takes to convince your ego -- your little armed Brinks guard -- to say, "Hey! We can throw all this shit off the side of the boat! We'll be fine." And nothing in you is going to believe this for a second, which is why it can be a gift to be in crisis. The stuff gets thrown overboard, and you come to with that having happened. You come to. This is the Easter message, that awakening is possible, to the goodness of God, the sacredness of human life, the sisterhood and brotherhood of all.

So in this fickle spring weather, when it feels like life is trying out all of its muscles, with the cold winds, the feverish blossomings, maybe you'll find that it wakes us up to exhilaration and discomfort, makes us more aware than usual that we're alive; that grace abounds and that we can cooperate with that.

Blessed Easter, blessed Passover, joyful alive wild windy spring.

No one's suprised

What major should I choose? Duh, English! Though, that theater thing sounds apropos. Additionally, I'm not the teensiest bit surprised about the chemistry verdict. The only chemistry I understood in that class was the kind I felt for Tommy Whats-His-Nose who sat by me and valiantly tried to help me. Poor sod.

Theater 100% English 100% Linguistics 100% Journalism 100% Sociology 100% Anthropology 92% Philosophy 75% Psychology 75% Dance 75% Mathematics 67% Engineering 58% Art 50% Biology 50% Chemistry 8% You scored as English. You should be an English major! Your passion lies in writing and expressing yourself creatively, and you hate it when you are inhibited from doing so. Pursue that interest of yours! What is your Perfect Major? created with QuizFarm.com

For my girls.

May this medieval poem be the first of a million blessings on your day! I pray that you feel caught up in the dance with God and God's universe!

I cannot dance, O Lord,
Unless You lead me.
If You wish me to leap joyfully,
Let me see You dance and sing
Then I will leap into Love
And from Love into Knowledge,
And from Knowledge into the Harvest,
That sweetest Fruit beyond human sense.
There I will stay with You, whirling.

What the Hell is a Life Path Number?

Apparently, mine is 8.

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed. You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character. You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money. A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing. In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance. You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Public Service Announcement:

Q. When does daylight saving time take affect in Indiana?

A. On April 2, 2006, Indiana residents will adjust their clocks forward by one hour to move from Eastern Standard Time (EST) to Eastern Daylight Time (EDT).

Please make a note of it.

DOING THE I'M-SO-EXCITED-HAPPY-DANCE!

My Beth, my VBF, has decided to be part of the blogging universe, as it were. If you please, as it were, so sayeth the king, here she is! I could NOT be happier, as she is dearer to me than my veryownboobs, and that's saying something. It is she and Steve's children who actually gave me the name Tasty (Aunt Tasty to them). It is she who cajoled me into having an actual sense of humor in the autumn of my 20th year. It is she whom I have loved for over 22 years.

Go say hi!

Beth

Lil' Meme Action

What thought or thoughts pop into your head when you hear the word, "noble"? I realize this will be considered "trite" today, because of the current war, which is never pleasant (war in general, I mean,) and it's associated domestic and foreign bad feelings, but I think of military service. I was reared in a Navy household.

Pine-scented or lemon-scented? I vote for pine-y goodness.

Decaf or caf? What's decaf, again?

Tall or short? You mean my coffee? The taller the better.

Swimming or fishing? Swimmin'!!!!!

Yelling or whispering? Absolutely depends on the location.

Is your car reliable? Reliably grandma-esque. Yes, it's reliable.

Are you? Reliably lighthearted and positive. Yes, I'm pretty reliable.

Ask the next person you see or talk to to describe you in one word. Tell us what that word is. If you don't see or talk to anyone in time, just make something up. Like "jujube." Tina says "honestloyalfunrealisticintelligenthappy." She's such a wonderful friend.

Have you ever told someone you loved them when you KNEW you wouldn't hear it in return? Sure did. That's some brave-ass shit, right there.

Celebrity Psycho

As is standard with surfing, I'm not sure how I got here, but I found a site called http://www.tomcruiseisnuts.com, and it included this quote. Which I knew I must share. Immediately.


"Do whatever you have to to never have a heart attack around Tom Cruise, cause he would just use his medical expertise to put some duct tape on your chest and give you some gumdrops. And then he would convince you that the defibrillator and paramedics who later saved your life really didn't save your life. Just like people who improve on meds like Strattera and Ritalin haven't really improved on meds like Strattera and Ritalin."

- The Superficial.com

What he really means.

First, read Number3GA, the Friday, March 3 post. Then, come back and read this.

What he really meant is this:

Dearest Allison,

I wanted to say this to you in person on Sunday, but I guess the time is now since you have taken the initiative and I just didn’t step up soon enough. Also, because I didn't show up.

I admire you, Allie. You have been through some rough terrain over the last year or so, and even though you’re sad sometimes, you’ve retained your amazing sense of humor and sparkling personality.

My problem is that I don't know how to handle your strength; therefore, I have let you down. I see that you are still in a bit of a difficult spot and every time I try to talk about your situation, I say the wrong thing. I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m trying to solve problems that are not my own, and therefore annoying the holy owlshit out of you. I am trying to lend you an ear or shoulder, and, because I’m a self-centered nutloaf, all I wind up doing is putting my foot in my mouth. (Additionally, I’m a really big guy with a disproportionate genital appendage.)

Since I am not supportive of you, how I can I in good conscience unload my issues on your lap? You are way too outspoken and knowledgeable about what you need for me to continue in this pattern I’ve been developing for years. It’s easy to unload my issues on my girlfriends when they're weak and needy, but that’s not you. I know you say you are there to listen, but I feel like a total heel, because, honestly, I SO am.

I am a bitter and jaded guy who is spinning his wheels. I fantasize that I am meant for more than the paltry life I’ve created for myself, but I can't seem to get to it. This is evidenced by the fact that I didn’t reach out and enthusiastically grab the most positive, brightest, most attractive woman I’ve met in years: you. You know that you deserve someone who is honest, brilliant, accomplished, growing, and loving. Obviously, you’re far too good for this sullen, tongue-tied, aspiring-yet-unfulfilled writer, who indulges his melancholy and his personal drama and who makes no attempt to grow. Besides that, I can’t show up when I say I will and I have absolutely NO idea how to use an ellipsis.

You know you’ll do the right thing for yourself and your life. I wish I could say the same thing for myself.

rob

Proof that I'm still a dork.

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

Chinese Proverb

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow

from flying over your head,

but you can prevent them

from building nests in your hair.

A few words about American Idol.

I'm with Christelicious. I heart Taylor Hicks, too. He is so verah talented and passionate! (The very same characteristics I find so attractive in my veryownpersonal loved ones, even.)

The Fig lurves Paris Bennett -- I still haven't seen her perform. But she loves her princess crown and Sponge Bob and sings Billie Holiday, so she can't be all bad, right?

Mandisa has the smile of Helen. Damn, girl could launch a thousand ships. Haven't heard her sing, either! But I hear the following things: She has the voice of a goddess, and her ass is big. How dare she! I mean, how DARE a contestant look like the general populace (except also have a gorgeous complexion, beautiful hair, and the aforementioned smile.)

Simon, you're a funny little man, aren't you? Be careful, I hear fat is contageous. And is a clear indication that you're less talented than the thin, and the British.

And, finally, I can't believe I'm watching the damn thing. GAH!

Happy Weekend!

Too Good to Keep to Myself

I work in a big-ass company where we're fancy and have an electronic bulletin board for selling stuff to other employees. Sometimes, when I'm feeling cashless, I sell my excess goodies or post my ad for housecleaning. Today, there were some gems, including an ad for a guard Llama. (No, no, really. I mean it.) However, the following ad was just too good to keep to myself. Thus, I share it with you.

Names have been hidden to protect the hilariously deluded. Please note the item description which I have highlighted with a red outline.


"Single seater sofas?" you ask? That's what I asked. As it turns out...



...THEY'RE CHAIRS!

Valentine

To the following people, will you please be my Valentine?

Allie

Beth

Tina

Terri

Lola

Christel

M*ary'

Mary

Fig

Dadness

The Mom

Jacob

Chloe

Jude

Simon

and last, but not least,

Todd.

I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH!

I still think this Valentine's Day thing is kind of a crappy idea, but I didn't want that to keep me from telling you how much I adore you.

Fine. Now I "Must. Copy. Mike."

Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot.

1. Marginal Utility
2. Sara with No H
3. Just Thoughts
4. I Am Prepared to Give Up at Any Time
5. So Much Myself (co-starring the bandwagon.)
   

Next, select five people to tag.

1. Bitchcakes
2. Pears
3. Teena Weena
4. Christel
5. Dadness
   

What were you doing 10 years ago? Let's see, in February 1996, I was living in a van down by the river. Well, okay, a trailer down by the river. A trailer with holes in the floor. In Sevierville, Tennessee. Gah. Thank God that's over.

What were you doing 1 year ago? These are just the sorts of questions I shouldn't answer in public. I was dating a boy so young the Numbers called him "The Fetus." That was short-lived, but terribly fun. Shortly thereafter I met That Todd, which is turning out to be long-lived and WAY more fun (and delightful, and comforting, and kind, and adventurous, all the other stuff I've always hoped for.) Last year at this time was the Numbers Summit!!!!!!! Let's do that again. Tomorrow.

February 2005: Had just started a new job, which turns out was not a very good match. So, I'm leaving the job for something more suited to my abilities. For example, anything not involving computer security systems. Here's to the ultimate luxury: choice.

Five snacks you enjoy:

1. Popcorn and cheddar cheese.
2. Cheese.
3. Poutine!
4. Those nasty oatmeal cream cakes that will probably end up dropping me off in my early grave.
5. Crusty sourdough with real butter.

Five songs you know all the words to:

1. My Girl Wants to Party All The Time, Eddie Murphy
2. Sweet Melissa, Allman Brothers
3. Bamboleo, Gipsy Kings
4. I Can't Make You Love Me, Bonnie Raitt
5. Back Home Again, John Denver

Okay, I was just kidding about My Girl Wants to Party All The Time, but I was serious about the rest of them. I have no specific genre that is my favorite, and I feel free to like GREAT rock and roll, and sappy folk music alike.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

1. Quit my day job.
2. Buy my brother's house and remodel said house.
3. Invest in a catering company.
4. Buy plane tickets for all the Numbers to Hawaii for a month of vacation.
5. Be debtless.
   

Five bad habits:

1. Making fun of people who badly misuse English.
2. Especially preachers.
3. Overeating.
4. Oversleeping (though, this is mostly purposeful.)
5. Procrastinating.

Five things you enjoy doing:

1. Scrabble.
2. Napping.
3. Buying shoes.
4. Reading.
5. Getting a tan.

Not a sport in the damn bunch, is there.

Five things you would never wear again:

1. Blue eyeliner.
2. Deck shoes.
3. Zip-up moccasins.
4. Long hair.
5. Lee Press-On Nails.
   

Five favorite toys(/games):

1. Scrabble.
2. Crosswords.
3. My car.
4. My cellphone with picture messaging.
5. The silver bullet.
   

Yes, yes. That was horrible.

Must. Copy. Dooce.

Four jobs I’ve had

1. Candy counter sales girl at the movie theater inside Lafayette Square Mall. I think I had this job for 6 weeks before beginning to suffer a nervous episode due to the fact that I had to add and make change without the assistance of a calculator. And while I continue to be just a skosh math-phobic, I certainly have relinquished the majority of my propensity for performance-pressure-induced nervous breakdowns.
2. Sales person at Lane Giant (Lane Bryant.) This was a mostly great job with lots of great customers and colleagues. Only one crazy boss who sincerely asked if I was kissing her ass. “Not for $3.90 an hour I’m not.”
3. Cashier at Walgreens. Even though my practice husband and I could not survive on the income, it was a fun job. GREAT colleagues and many good customers. (Save the ancient screaming crazy man who once shouted, “Get it through your head! These cigarettes are only $1.50! Why don’t you get that you stupid girl?” It was monumentally difficult not to come over the counter and explain, while choking him, that I was a degreed genius.)
4. The one I’m leaving! Not to be a freelance writer or anything, just to get a new job within my current company.

Four movies I can watch over and over

1. The Princess Bride
2. Monty Python and The Holy Grail
3. Amelie
4. Back to the Future

It’s not *that* weird a list, is it?

Four places I have lived

1. Born in Patuxent River, Maryland
2. Learned to love bluegrass in Nashville, Tennessee
3. Remained perpetually tan in Ewa Beach, Hawaii
4. Learned a schload of stuff in West Lafayette, Indiana
   

Four TV shows I love

1. Every single decorating show, ever. Especially “on the cheap” ones.
2. Good Eats
3. Miami Ink
4. Good night nurse! I’m actually going to admit this one: What Not to Wear. GAH!
   

Four places I’ve vacationed

1. Dublin, Ireland
2. The Villages, Florida
3. Maui, Hawaii
4. The Middle of Nowhere, West ByGod Virginia
   

Four of my favorite dishes

1. Mushroom lasagna
2. Sopresatta sandwich
3. Chicken tikka masala
4. Christmas enchiladas
   

Four sites I visit daily

1. Finslippy
2. Zeldafitz
3. Dooce
4. My yahoo mail
   

The first three of which I detest. Normal women “hate” other women because they are slender and gorgeous. I hate women who are brilliant, funnier, and better writers than I.

Four places I would rather be right now

1. Maui.
2. Europe.
3. South America.
4. Algonquin, Illinois.